The first thing was that the phone rang at 8:04am just like it did yesterday, instructing me that I had to call to reschedule delivery of my treadmill. I didn’t bother. (But I’m betting they call at 8:04 am tomorrow and wake me up on Yom Kippur.)
The second thing was that when I got into the office there was a message from “Stephanie” at the Sears executive offices, who wanted to talk to me about my “treadmill experience”. This although the problem with my treadmill experience is of course that I have not in fact had any opportunity to experience the F80 treadmill. I called right back and identified myself, name, order number, zip code, address, and Steffane found my record. “This shows as complete” she said. I started laughing.
Eventually we got that sorted out — there is no treadmill here. None. Nada. Ziltch. And Stephanie agreed that it “looks like it needs to be reordered”. But it is on backorder, so they can’t do that now. I explained my fear that my model is gone, and they are bringing in a new model, and that as a result I may be on hold forever. Stephanie seemed to grasp that point, and suggested that maybe I should pay the difference for the newer version of the F80. I suggested as how since Sears had taken my money and promised me a brand new, not damaged, F80, that is what they should deliver. We left it that Stephanie would research the matter, which I took to mean calling around trying to find one of the old ones to send me. And if that didn’t work, getting permission to offer me something or other. There were three F80s in Aventura yesterday according to the web site, and they’re still there today, so maybe that isn’t it, I don’t know. Anyway, I was content to leave it in Stephanie’s hands for a few days, and see what she cooked up.
But when I got home and picked up the mail, we got to part three. The outside of the envelope announced the topic clearly:
I really had no idea what to expect, but I sure didn’t expect this:
Let’s deconstruct the key parts of this, shall we?
“Your new Treadmill is running beautifully. So why take chances down the road?”
Well, if it’s running, it’s running away from here.
Did you know we can also help protect it against future breakdowns?
How about past breakdowns — like when you guys dropped it in the warehouse?
A Master Protection Agreement gives you comprehensive benefits you can count on – nothing else comes close.
Want to know what else has only come close? The treadmill.
Doesn’t your Treadmill deserve all the coverage a Master Protection Agreement provides?
I’d like to get it covered by my roof first.
■ Product replacement if your Treadmill cannot be fixed
Well, right now it can’t be fixed — it can’t even be found. So could I have a new one please?
■ Troubleshooting help over the phone – call for non-technical assistance** or to schedule a service appointment
I just can’t wait to schedule more appointments with Sears!!! Maybe that is why they call it “assistance**”?
Why take chances when you can enjoy your Treadmill worry-free
I am finding it strangely hard to enjoy my treadmill, worries or not.
Actually, I found this letter pretty surprising.
[Update: Next installment at On the Treadmill Treadmill]