Category Archives: Completely Different

Has John Quarterman figured out the next best thing since the lightbulb joke? Let’s listen in:

Perilocity: Why Did the Titanic Sink?: Let’s ask some people in different lines of work:

Reporters:
    because it hit an iceberg.
Executives:
    because it had the wrong captain.
Security professionals:
    because its rivets were stressed from temperature changes.
Security managers:
    because it didn’t have radar to detect the iceberg.
Risk managers:
    because it didn’t have access to a distributed iceberg detection system.

As jokes go it’s highly extensible. Not quite as funny as the lightbulbs, but I’ll take what I can get.

So let’s add some…

“Thank you for calling the White House switchboard. Our new voice activated system will help direct you to the proper office.”

“If you are calling to complain about the mishandling of the war in Iraq, press one.”

“If you are calling to complain about the abuse of prisoners and the White House’s endorsement of torture, press two, and then say the name of the torture site that you wish to complain about (and please note for the sake of the voice mail system that it is pronounced Abu GRABE, not Abu grahb).”

“If you are calling to complain about illegal spying on American citizens and the abuse of FISA laws, press 3, but do know that these calls will be recorded.”

“If you are calling to complain about the disastrous mismanagement of the hurricane Katrina recovery, please press 4, and your call will be directed to the Federal Emergency Management Agency. If you wait for more than 48 hours without anyone picking up the phone, hang-up and send a letter. We have been assured that all letters will receive a prompt reply within one year.”

“If you are calling regarding the administration’s unwillingness to enforce immigration law, press cinco, por favor, or direct any thanks to your local chamber of commerce office, which can explain why we like cheap labor that can’t vote and where you may be able to find willing illegal day laborers in your local area.”

“If you are Jack Abramoff or any Saudi prince, please call the private line * it is always open.”

“If you are calling about the Medicare prescription debacle, please press 6. If you are having a medical emergency, you should proceed directly to your local emergency room, although please understand that your health coverage may not pay for the visit and you can no longer get out from under the bill by declaring bankruptcy.”

“If you are calling about the ballooning federal deficit or the recent hike in the debt ceiling to $39 trillion, please press 7, unless you are Bill Clinton calling to brag about the surpluses under your administration, in which case we don’t want to hear about it.”

“If you are calling to complain about the White House’s efforts to block stem cell research, please press 8, and then say the disease that you are most concerned about that may ultimately be cured through scientific research. If you are a scientist calling with new research findings or important clinical data, please hang up, we don’t want to hear from you.”

“If you are calling to express concern about global warming and our efforts to roll back environmental laws, please press 9, unless you are a government scientist, in which case you are forbidden to talk without first clearing it with the oil lobbyist we hired to screen and edit your research. He can be reached at Exxon 4-2611.”

“If you are calling to complain about the President’s efforts to “privatize” social security, please press 1 and then the pound key, and your call will be redirected to representatives at Merrill Lynch, who will explain the virtues of putting all your savings in the stock market.”

“If you are calling about the need for more prayer in public schools or any other faith-based initiatives, please press 1 and then the star key, and Reverend Falwell will be with you shortly.”

“If you are calling to lobby for more Supreme Court Justices who will block a woman’s right to choose, please stay on the line and the President will be with you immediately.”

“If you are calling about all the tax breaks for the wealthy, press *1 if you have ideas for more loopholes and are making more than a million dollars per year; if you are earning less than a million per year but have ideas for how you may help the wealthy, press *2; if you are earning less than a million per year and just want to complain that all the burden is now falling on you, please call back in a couple of years.”

“If you voted for President Bush and are now concerned that over 12% of the U.S. population now falls below the poverty line while the top 1% has wildly increased their wealth, please understand that we are not laughing AT you.”

“Press zero at any time if you would like to hear these options again.”

“Thank you for calling the White House. It is our pleasure to serve you.”

(via VirusHead)

18 Days of Reckless Computing:

What kind of idiot buys a computer and willingly — even eagerly — exposes it to all the malware and viruses he can? Me.

Q. What is Iraq’s national bird?

Continue reading →

I never thought before about why those boxes are as icky as they are. This video explains it.

The most amazing thing about this video, though, is who made it: according to the Wall Street Journal, “it was produced by designers at Microsoft, in a spirit of self-criticism. It’s as if they know the sort of great design they ought to be doing, but are too smothered by a corporate culture to deliver it.”

If they know better, does that make them any more likable?

The front page of the Miami Herald is in one of its alligator panic moods today, blaring across the top, Trappers stalk a killer gator. Yes, on the day of the NSA scandals, the most important story in the universe is that,

Armed with smelly bait, a heavy-duty nylon cord and empty plastic bottles, a handful of hunters in a motorboat set traps in the muddy waters of the North New River Canal in West Broward on Thursday in an around-the-clock quest to snare a man-eating alligator.

The hunt began Wednesday about noon, after the mutilated body of a 28-year-old college student was found floating in the canal along State Road 84, just south of Markham Park, in Sunrise. The medical examiner ruled that the woman, who may have been jogging, was attacked, maimed and killed by an 8-to-10-foot alligator.

And, there’s the companion story, Search for water drives gators toward us.

Which brings me to this public service announcement.

It being the graduation season, we can expect some parties. And parties sometimes mean inebriation. And if it happens on campus, it happens near our lake. And our lake sometimes has alligators and even a crocodile or two.

So, students, take note of this important study: Alligators Dangerous No Matter How Drunk You Are:

BATON ROUGE, LA–In a breakthrough study that contradicts decades of understanding about the nature of alligator-drunkard relations, Louisiana State University researchers have concluded that people’s drunkenness does not impair the ancient reptiles’ ability to inflict enormous physical harm.

“Our data strongly indicates that human intoxication does not transform an alligator into a docile creature that enjoys wrestling,” said professor Ryder McCrory, chair of the Wildlife Taunting Department of LSU’s prestigious Center For Bullying And Hazing Studies. “Despite its slow-witted demeanor and tendency to bask motionlessly in the hot sun, it’s a mistake to believe that an alligator will passively tolerate a half nelson, no matter how much Southern Comfort is fueling it.”

You Have Been Warned.