Dan sent me this shining example of what you learn at the Harvard Business School:
Remarks by the President to the Press Pool
Nothin’ Fancy Cafe
Roswell, New Mexico
11:25 A.M. MST
THE PRESIDENT: I need some ribs.
Q Mr. President, how are you?
THE PRESIDENT: I’m hungry and I’m going to order some ribs.
Q What would you like?
THE PRESIDENT: Whatever you think I’d like.
Q Sir, on homeland security, critics would say you simply
haven’t spent enough to keep the country secure.
I had been going to suggest that since studies show that better looking lawyers make more money, the law school should start offering third year students free makeovers and hire a dress consultant in an effort to create more rich alumni and generally happier 'customers'.
But I'm reconsidering. In light of this story in today's Daily Telegraph, I'm not at all sure it is in a lawyer's interests to look too good. It seems that the Court of Appeal in London may order a new trial after a recent fraud conviction because — two weeks after the end of the trial — the foreman (a woman) sent the prosecuting barrister (described as a happily married man) a bottle of champagne and note asking, “What does a lady need to do to attract your attention?” It could be that a lawyer can look too good for his/her own good.
Dave Barry, Miami's answer to either Will Rogers or what happens when you cross a journalist with a basoon, is reporting from Iowa. Most of the article is about meat and vegtables, especially the ambulatory carrot, but some of it has Barry's inimitable political summaries. Often, after all, comedians have a better grasp on reality than pundits. (Especially if they're the Miami Herald's pundits….)
But the biggest applause came when Howard Dean, the feisty little Surgemeister himself, surged into the room and fired up the crowd by biting the head off a live puppy.
Not really! I'm making a little joke about Dean's reputation for having a temper. In fact, it was a squirrel.
NO KIND WORDS
Ha ha! But seriously, Dean did express anger at George W. Bush, as well as Washington insiders and special interest groups. In covering five national campaigns, I have yet to hear a presidential contender say a single kind word about Washington insiders or special interest groups. Every last contender swears he's going to stomp these people like ants. Yet, incredibly, Washington remains infested with them.
By the way, did I say “basoon”? I meant “baboon”. Or maybe I meant “clown”. Or something.
And then there's what has to be the worst pun of the campaign:
Flush from my success at launching an Iraq meme, here's the same idea recycled to marriage. GW Bush wants to spend $1.5 billion we don't have to spend on marriage propaganda, or skills training, or right-wing pacification, or something, with ostensible targeting towards poor people. We all know, however, that one of the (many?) things that lead to divorces are financial problems. The solution, therefore, is obvious: Bush should offer to contribute to the wedding bills.
Since this is going to be a Republican program, we'll start by assuming it's not going to be means-tested, thus saving me the trouble of finding data on marriage rates by income. Instead, I can just use the aggregate data, which tells me that there were 2,256,000 marriages in the USA in 2002, slightly down from the peak of 2,384,000 in 1997 (the rate is way down, though).
Assume that Bush plans to spend $1.5 billion over ten years (an arbitrary figure; if they plan to blow it all in the run-up to the election, just multiply my number by 10). That works out to only $66 per existing marriage per year, and less if the plan were to work and increase the number of marriages. Can't get much wedding bubbly for that. Or much marriage training either, I'd imagine.
No, what we need to do is means-test the program, then take money from the defence budget. How many Iraqs, or submarines, does it take to put on a good spread for everyone?
PS To Liz Taylor and to Beverly Hills Republicans: only one marriage per decade, please.
I suppose given my location, I'm compelled to link to 2003 Florida Weird News In Review. Although if that's the authoritative list, it actually seems like we had a fairly tame year by Florida standards. Especially compared to the national list, 2003: A Dave odyssey, prepared by Miami's own Dave Barry.
I did, however, especially like this item from the Weird News in Review:
Criminal charges were dropped against a Callaway man accused of smashing his way into a neighbor's house and chasing a woman with a knife. A Panama City judge was convinced the man was temporarily insane from drinking jasmine tea.
Jasmine tea is one of my wife's favorites.
Guardian Unlimited | Sweet smell of failure. The possible loss of the much-hyped (here, anyway) Beagle 2 Mars Explorer has caused some dark humor. This article is a particularly funny example of it.
It begins, “the stubbornly silent Mars probe Beagle 2 has reminded us what Britain does best: heroic failure….”
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