It seems that to be a man in New York, at least if you are a banker (is possible that the first letter might be a misprint?), requires a summer home, expensive holidays, a nanny, personal trainer, armed chauffeur, and so on. Riding the train would make them feel so unmanly. And ladies must have new and expensive frocks for each of their charity balls.
As with many of the best Onion productions, ripped from context one starts to believe it might be real, but the writer mercifully lets us in on the joke at the end, advising that even a mere frozen hot chocolate from the right supplier costs $8.50. “Frozen hot chocolate” — there's a giveaway.
[I wrote this on Sunday, but somehow it didn't get posted.]