Dear Major Media,
Regarding that gig as a bigtime columnist I was saying you should give me? I have a few pledges to make. Unlike this character, I pledge that in my first column, I won't do any of the following:
- Quote an author with a well-demonstrated track record of inaccuracy in the service of an agenda designed to justify an American horror such as the Japanese internment.
- Mis-quote that author
- Use lots and lots of tired cliches (I don't promise to use none you understand, just to pace myself)
- Be boring.