Mr. Show Demonstrates How to Go Negative in Ads

Mr Show - McHutchence vs Greeley III

Beer Over IP!

Games * Design * Art * Culture has come up with a sure-fire money maker that should coin it even in a recession: Beer over IP

Running the Tables

This may be the World’s Most Amazing Trick Shot! at pool, although myself I had no idea that you could use giant dominoes and ramps, not to mention multiple tables. (Warning to Francophones: the effect is somewhat spoiled by the inane and sexist commentary).

(spotted via boing-boing)

Berkeley Wants to Tell You Jokes

Inside UC Berkeley’s joke recommendation system

Revert Wars

Short and very funny, Wikihistory (via boingboing)

At 14:57:44, SilverFox316 wrote: Back from 1936 Berlin; incapacitated FreedomFighter69 before he could pull his little stunt. Freedomfighter69, as you are a new member, please read IATT Bulletin 1147 regarding the killing of Hitler before your next excursion. Failure to do so may result in your expulsion per Bylaw 223.

At 18:06:59, BigChill wrote:
Take it easy on the kid, SilverFox316; everybody kills Hitler on their first trip. I did. It always gets fixed within a few minutes, what’s the harm?

Academic Humor

So I am reading A Critical Guide to Vehicles in the Park, a paper by Frederick Schauer, which was part of Hart-Fuller conference at NYU. Towards the end he writes,

But we are not choosing between Hart and Fuller for a single position on a law faculty. They are, after all, both dead, and that appears to make them unlikely candidates for faculty appointments.

Then there’s a footnote, which says:

Which is not to say that we might not prefer to have them, even dead, over some of our colleagues.

Tough crowd they have at the K-School…

Diebold Slip-Up Releases 2008 Election Result Ahead of Schedule

Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early.

Banking Humor

From Calculated Risk: Rob now, HOPE later:

A robber in a ski mask blamed the bank for what he was about to do, The Associated Press reported Feb. 22.

“You took my house, now I’m going to take your money!” the assailant hollered. Talk about a reverse mortgage!

The FBI plans to review the bank’s foreclosure records for clues.

The suspect is presumed to be ARM’ed and dangerous.

Try It

(From here)

A Google Threat I Never Suspected

There are a host of reasons to worry about Google’s ability to scoop up and correlate facts about its users. But I have to admit that I never thought of the one exposed at Google Maps is Evil.

Quality Over Quantity

Eric Muller says he doesn’t remember many jokes, but in I’m Here All Week. Tell Your Friends. he tells a great Jewish joke that I never heard before:

So Joel Rabinowitz, this Jewish guy, falls in love with Bird-in-the-Night, an American Indian girl. They get married and soon decide to have a baby. This is when things get tough. Sol’s parents insist that any grandchild of theirs must have a Jewish name. Bird-in-the-Night’s parents tell Bird that they’ll disown her if she doesn’t give their grandchild an Indian name.

When the baby’s born, they name her “Smoked Whitefish.”

Santa Gets Political

Santa tries, but fails, to make a delivery at the White House.

I guess he knows who’s been naughty.

GW Bush Library Planned

Gene Spafford (‘Spaf’) runs a mailing list called “Yuks” which is often pretty funny. Today’s entry, originating from Wm Leler, is about the next Bush Library:

They are already making plans for the GW Bush Library. Proposed exhibits include:

The Alberto Gonzales Room - Where you can’t remember anything.

The Hurricane Katrina Room - It’s still under construction.

The Texas Air National Guard Room - Where you don’t have to even show up.

The Walter Reed Hospital Room - Where they don’t let you in.

The Guantanamo Bay Room - Where they don’t let you out.

The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room - Nobody has been able to find it.

The War in Iraq Room - After you complete your first tour, they can force you to go back for your second and third and fourth and fifth tours.

The Dick Cheney Room - In an undisclosed location, but reports are if you find it, it contains a unique shooting gallery.

Plans also include:

The K-Street Project Gift Shop - Where you can buy an election, or, if no one cares, steal one.

The Men’s Room - Where you can meet a Republican Senator (or two).

Last, but not least, there will also be an entire floor devoted to a 7/8 scale model of the President’s ego.

To be fair, the President has done some good things, and so the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate them.

When asked, President Bush said that he didn’t care so much about the individual exhibits as long as his museum was better than his father’s.

Bill Strauss, Capitol Steps Co-Founder

I love the Capitol Steps comedy troupe, so I was sad to hear that co-founder Bill Strauss has died.

Here’s a video in which he does McCain:

There’s also a nice audio file of Strauss’s Reagan song. Maybe ‘lazy’ Fred Thompson knows what he’s doing?

Kant Attack Ad

And now for something completely different, via Crooked Timber, a Kant Attack Ad:

Cosmic Humor

A UserFriendly comic joke you will get if you’ve been reading this blog.

(If puzzled, see Can the Underlying Structure of the Universe Be Represented as an E8?.)

Update: Bonus Lisi joke: UnNews:Surfer dude stuns physicists with theory of everything.

World's Toughest 'No Parking' Sign?

Via Have Opinion, Will Travel, this sign:

Of course, if this were an intellectual property license, people would seriously argue that parking there gave the owners the right to spraypaint your car.

We're From the Goverment and We're Here to Track You

As someone who is interested in technologies that track people, I was quite impressed by this ONN discussion of the use of 24/7 tracking technologies to help the mentally ill.

For Sale, Slightly Used

Reprinted without comment: Ananova - Belgium up for sale on eBay

Internet auction site eBay has removed an unusual lot - the country of Belgium.

Bidding had reached 10 million euro before eBay withdrew the spoof sale, reports GVA.

It was put up for sale by former journalist Gerrit Six who wanted to protest that Belgium still had no government, 100 days after its elections.

The advert said: “Belgium a kingdom in three parts. Possible to buy it as a whole, but not advisable.

“Possible the three parts separately but beware of the public debt of 300 million euro.”

Bidding started at one euro and reached 10 million euro after 26 bids before eBay removed it from the site.

Actually, I can’t resist one comment: it would have been fun to write the disclaimers, warranties and representations if it were an actual sale…

How Did Bill Gates Know???

Needlenose has found something odd:

For those of you using Windows, do the following:

1.) Open an empty notepad file

2.) Type “Bush hid the facts” (without the quotes)

3.) Save it as whatever you want.

4.) Close it, and re-open it.

Weird. Really Weird.

Stereotypes on Parade

As a long-time Francophile married to a Brit I am of course appalled at this display of European stereotypes that is making the rounds by email. But it’s funny anyway.

Terrorism Alert!
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” Londoners have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been recategorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.”

The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and “Collaborate.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.

It’s not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday, as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

Actually, I’m only publishing this because I believe in affirmative action for pan-European jokes that include smaller countries.

Worst Pun of the Month

Easily the worst techie pun of the month over at UserFriendly.

Ouch.

Video Reveals Fate of Rove Emails

The Inside Story About the Rove Emails

Something Isn't Kosher

• Washington Post, Absence of kosher donuts mourned
• New York Times, Kosher-for-passover gasoline (the theory being that using gas with ethanol is deriving benefit from corn, which is not kosher for Passover) [behind Times Select paywall].
• Jerusalem Post, Is marijuana kosher for Pessah?
• AP, Safety inspectors tell rabbi using bus as oven isn’t kosher
• Chicago Tribune, China’s plants clamor to go kosher
• Sun-Sentinel, Wine critic claims to have found good kosher wine.

Can you guess without clicking on the links how many of these stories are true, and how many are April Fools?

Introducing the iRack

OK, this is really funny.

YouTube - MADtv - iRack :

Notes From An Alternate Reality

Someone has a very active imagination. If only this video was real:

How to Tell if Your Child is a 'Hacker'

Discourse.net is proud to share with you, the reader, this important parenting information: Is Your Child A Computer Hacker?

News You May Have Missed Elsewhere

U.S. Dollar Drops Against Counterfeit U.S. Dollar
February 25, 2007

NEW YORK-At the close of trading Monday, the U.S. dollar dipped to a record low of $.60 against the counterfeit U.S. dollar, which also outpaced the dollar against the euro and the yen.

Supreme Court Gives Gore’s Oscar to Bush

Stunning Reversal for Former Veep

Just days after former Vice President Al Gore received an Academy Award for his global warming documentary “An Inconvenient Truth,” the United States Supreme Court handed Mr. Gore a stunning reversal, stripping him of his Oscar and awarding it to President George W. Bush instead.

For Mr. Gore, who basked in the adulation of his Hollywood audience Sunday night, the high court’s decision to give his Oscar to President Bush was a cruel twist of fate, to say the least.

All Hail the Conservapedia

Read all about the Conservapedia. But not while drinking hot coffee.

PS. As far as I can tell the Conservapedia is not intended as a joke, although some commentators have been less than respectful.

In Case You Missed the Real Thing

I tried to watch the state of the Union, but watching all the Democrats clap for lines about health care, when the real awful plan is based on robbing working people and defunding public hospitals in NY (where Senator Clinton is from, hmmm) to make tax breaks for healthy yuppies, well, that was too much.

But if you missed the real one, this summary goes down somewhat easier, although it’s also painful:

The 'Phantom Professor' is Worrying About Blackmail Too

Having blogged David Brin's worries about blackmail of today's politicians, I can't resist noting that the 'Phantom Professor' is worrying about the blackmail of today's students when they become tomorrow's politicians.

Great Cartoon

Rest Cure

I was doing my first session of brain calisthenics this morning, figuring that I should start now before I get old, and get my cerebellum into really good shape. I know you're supposed to ease into a new exercise regime, but who knew that translating Proust into Esperanto would really be that hard?

Now I fear I may have pulled or strained something in the noggin department. But maybe if I rest it really hard, it should be better soon.

Anyway, I suspect I won't be posting much this week.

Six! Yes, Six New Lightbulb Jokes

I'm sorry, but I love lightbulb jokes. And it's a rare day indeed that I find SIX new ones. But thanks to Games * Design * Art * Culture, I learn how Game Developers Change Light Bulbs.

Sample:

Q: How many art directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Does it have to be a light bulb?

Marmaduke Explained

Joe Mathlete Explains Today's Marmaduke solves the problem of finding humor in this remarkably horrible daily comic. At first I didn't think the explanations were funny, but by the end I was roaring. It grows on you, like a certain type of near-surrealism. (Read at least a dozen before you give up.)

Wednesday's post was entitled I Quit, which made me nervous, but fortunately Mathlete wasn't serious.

Mathlete does not, however, explain how it can be that newspapers continue to carry this thing.

Google's Ethnographic Study of YouTube

This secret internal ethnographic study of YouTube commissioned by Google provides the first explanation I've been able to grasp as to why Google would pay $1.6 Billion for YouTube.

We Can Relax Now: Bush To Unveil Plan to Solve Global Warming

It seems that George Bush has a secret plan in the works to address climate change that he is going to unveil as an October Surprise in order to try to swing the mid-term elections.

He's going to invade the sun!

I Love This Cartoon

Which reminds me. Miriam Cherry asked recently "Where's the Elephant in Your Law School?, which she defined as "A problem that is so common that no one talks about or discusses it." The answers were not pretty.

Just One Question

Sent to me via email:

A woman in Hohhot, the capital of north China's Inner Mongolia region, crashed her car while giving her dog a driving lesson, the official Xinhua News Agency said Monday.

No injuries were reported although both vehicles were slightly damaged, it said.

The woman, identified only be her surname, Li, said her dog ''was fond of crouching on the steering wheel and often watched her drive,'' according to Xinhua.

''She thought she would let the dog 'have a try' while she operated the accelerator and brake,'' the report said. ''They did not make it far before crashing into an oncoming car.''

Just one question: Does she have relatives who live in Miami?

Canada's Revenge

My family got a big kick out of this Canadian comedy show in which interviewers get ordinary Americans to demonstrate astonishing ignorance while mesmerized by a TV camera. Personally, I found it so painful to watch I stopped part one half way. Not for the softhearted or squeamish:

"This Hour Has 22 Minutes" CBC news/commentary show, in which Rick Mercer would go to the USA and ask Americans whether they believed that Russia should given the Chechens in Saskatechwan their freedom, or for help defending our national igloo, or for congratulations on legalizing insulin. This show is a national institution, but it has never been aggressively marketed to Americans. You'd be hard pressed to get a funnier outside look into the USA.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

But then I don't like slapstick either. Nothing funny about people falling over in my book.

Avoiding Identity Theft With Stephen Colbert

Everyone is worried about identity theft these days.

Good thing that Stephen Colbert has some simple advice to help you stop worrying: Stephen's Sound Advice: Protecting Identity, pt. 1 and the even funnier pt. 2.

Almost as Good as Lightbulbs

Has John Quarterman figured out the next best thing since the lightbulb joke? Let's listen in:

Perilocity: Why Did the Titanic Sink?: Let's ask some people in different lines of work:

Reporters:
    because it hit an iceberg.
Executives:
    because it had the wrong captain.
Security professionals:
    because its rivets were stressed from temperature changes.
Security managers:
    because it didn't have radar to detect the iceberg.
Risk managers:
    because it didn't have access to a distributed iceberg detection system.

So let's add some...

White House Switchboard Modernizes

“Thank you for calling the White House switchboard. Our new voice activated system will help direct you to the proper office.”

“If you are calling to complain about the mishandling of the war in Iraq, press one.”

“If you are calling to complain about the abuse of prisoners and the White House’s endorsement of torture, press two, and then say the name of the torture site that you wish to complain about (and please note for the sake of the voice mail system that it is pronounced Abu GRABE, not Abu grahb).”

“If you are calling to complain about illegal spying on American citizens and the abuse of FISA laws, press 3, but do know that these calls will be recorded.”

“If you are calling to complain about the disastrous mismanagement of the hurricane Katrina recovery, please press 4, and your call will be directed to the Federal Emergency Management Agency. If you wait for more than 48 hours without anyone picking up the phone, hang-up and send a letter. We have been assured that all letters will receive a prompt reply within one year.”

“If you are calling regarding the administration’s unwillingness to enforce immigration law, press cinco, por favor, or direct any thanks to your local chamber of commerce office, which can explain why we like cheap labor that can’t vote and where you may be able to find willing illegal day laborers in your local area.”

“If you are Jack Abramoff or any Saudi prince, please call the private line * it is always open.”

“If you are calling about the Medicare prescription debacle, please press 6. If you are having a medical emergency, you should proceed directly to your local emergency room, although please understand that your health coverage may not pay for the visit and you can no longer get out from under the bill by declaring bankruptcy.”

“If you are calling about the ballooning federal deficit or the recent hike in the debt ceiling to $39 trillion, please press 7, unless you are Bill Clinton calling to brag about the surpluses under your administration, in which case we don’t want to hear about it.”

“If you are calling to complain about the White House’s efforts to block stem cell research, please press 8, and then say the disease that you are most concerned about that may ultimately be cured through scientific research. If you are a scientist calling with new research findings or important clinical data, please hang up, we don’t want to hear from you.”

“If you are calling to express concern about global warming and our efforts to roll back environmental laws, please press 9, unless you are a government scientist, in which case you are forbidden to talk without first clearing it with the oil lobbyist we hired to screen and edit your research. He can be reached at Exxon 4-2611.”

“If you are calling to complain about the President’s efforts to “privatize” social security, please press 1 and then the pound key, and your call will be redirected to representatives at Merrill Lynch, who will explain the virtues of putting all your savings in the stock market.”

“If you are calling about the need for more prayer in public schools or any other faith-based initiatives, please press 1 and then the star key, and Reverend Falwell will be with you shortly.”

“If you are calling to lobby for more Supreme Court Justices who will block a woman’s right to choose, please stay on the line and the President will be with you immediately.”

“If you are calling about all the tax breaks for the wealthy, press *1 if you have ideas for more loopholes and are making more than a million dollars per year; if you are earning less than a million per year but have ideas for how you may help the wealthy, press *2; if you are earning less than a million per year and just want to complain that all the burden is now falling on you, please call back in a couple of years.”

“If you voted for President Bush and are now concerned that over 12% of the U.S. population now falls below the poverty line while the top 1% has wildly increased their wealth, please understand that we are not laughing AT you.”

“Press zero at any time if you would like to hear these options again.”

“Thank you for calling the White House. It is our pleasure to serve you.”

Geek Humor

18 Days of Reckless Computing:

What kind of idiot buys a computer and willingly -- even eagerly -- exposes it to all the malware and viruses he can? Me.

Awful, Terrible, Horrible Joke

Q. What is Iraq's national bird?

A. Duck

What if Microsoft Had Designed the iPod Box?

I never thought before about why those boxes are as icky as they are. This video explains it.

The most amazing thing about this video, though, is who made it: according to the Wall Street Journal, "it was produced by designers at Microsoft, in a spirit of self-criticism. It's as if they know the sort of great design they ought to be doing, but are too smothered by a corporate culture to deliver it."

If they know better, does that make them any more likable?

Fair Warning (Alligator Dept.)

The front page of the Miami Herald is in one of its alligator panic moods today, blaring across the top, Trappers stalk a killer gator. Yes, on the day of the NSA scandals, the most important story in the universe is that,

Armed with smelly bait, a heavy-duty nylon cord and empty plastic bottles, a handful of hunters in a motorboat set traps in the muddy waters of the North New River Canal in West Broward on Thursday in an around-the-clock quest to snare a man-eating alligator.

The hunt began Wednesday about noon, after the mutilated body of a 28-year-old college student was found floating in the canal along State Road 84, just south of Markham Park, in Sunrise. The medical examiner ruled that the woman, who may have been jogging, was attacked, maimed and killed by an 8-to-10-foot alligator.

And, there's the companion story, Search for water drives gators toward us.

Which brings me to this public service announcement.

It being the graduation season, we can expect some parties. And parties sometimes mean inebriation. And if it happens on campus, it happens near our lake. And our lake sometimes has alligators and even a crocodile or two.

So, students, take note of this important study: Alligators Dangerous No Matter How Drunk You Are:

BATON ROUGE, LA--In a breakthrough study that contradicts decades of understanding about the nature of alligator-drunkard relations, Louisiana State University researchers have concluded that people's drunkenness does not impair the ancient reptiles' ability to inflict enormous physical harm.

"Our data strongly indicates that human intoxication does not transform an alligator into a docile creature that enjoys wrestling," said professor Ryder McCrory, chair of the Wildlife Taunting Department of LSU's prestigious Center For Bullying And Hazing Studies. "Despite its slow-witted demeanor and tendency to bask motionlessly in the hot sun, it's a mistake to believe that an alligator will passively tolerate a half nelson, no matter how much Southern Comfort is fueling it."

You Have Been Warned.

Geek Humor

Geek humor from userfriendly.org.

Where Evil Predators Pick Their Victims

This little ditty from the Daily Mail explains what is going to happen if you go on to the Internet today. Really funny!

Cheney Jokes Roundup

The Wall Street Journal has a roundup of Cheney jokes . My favorites include,

Leno: "Something I just found out today about the incident. Do you know that Dick Cheney tortured the guy for a half hour before he shot him?"

Jon Stewart: ""Yes, as you've just heard, a near-tragedy over the weekend in south Texas. Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt at a political supporter's ranch. Making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting VP since Alexander Hamilton.

"Hamilton, of course, shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird."

Bonus Cheney visual hunting aid:

And Boing Boing has a nice graphic showing 10 ways Dick Cheney can kill you.

You know it's bad when even Jeb Bush is making Cheney jokes.

Robot Uprisings. It's Only a Matter of Time.

It's good to have Bruce Schneier worrying about the big questions for us. The world is undoubtedly a safer place thanks to his work on crypto and security. And he's funny too. In Schneier on Security: How to Survive a Robot Uprising he points us to this "good start" on the problem:

i'm reading about how to survive a robot uprising. i'm not gonna give away all the secrets, but i'll share a few...

• choose a complex environment. waterfalls, street traffic, and places with lots of ambient noise confuse the robots.
• lose your heat signature. smear yourself with mud and leaves and sit real still.
• use uncommon words to suss out robots on the phone. robots do not know how pronounce supercalifragilisticexpealidocious.
• find a blunt weapon. serrated edges won't work on robo exo-skeletons. nope.
• alter your stride. robots can judge gait and injury, even height and intention, by stride, so put some rocks in your shoes and mix things up a bit. doing some ministry of silly walks stuff goes even further towards confusing them.
• pretend that everything is normal. to forstall a mechanized killing spree, you must pretend that nothing is amiss.

If they are Daleks, I thought you just find something with a lot of stairs and no elevator. But the Wikipedia entry on Daleks suggests I'm behind the times,

Due to their gliding motion Daleks were notoriously unable to tackle stairs, which made them easy to overcome under the right circumstances. An oft-copied cartoon from Punch pictured a group of Daleks at the foot of a flight of stairs with the caption, "This certainly buggers our plan to conquer the Universe". In a scene from the serial Destiny of the Daleks, the Doctor and companions escape from Dalek pursuers by climbing into a ceiling duct. The Doctor (Tom Baker) calls down, "If you're supposed to be the superior race of the universe, why don't you try climbing after us? Bye bye!" The Daleks generally make up for their lack of mobility with overwhelming firepower. A joke around science fiction conventions went, "Real Daleks don't climb stairs; they level the building."

In The Dalek Invasion of Earth (1964) a Dalek emerges from the waters of the River Thames, indicating that they are amphibious to a degree. Remembrance of the Daleks (1988) showed that they can hover using a sort of limited antigravity — first implied in earlier serials such as The Chase (1965) and Revelation of the Daleks (1985) — but their awkward forms still limit their mobility in tight quarters. Despite this, the Daleks' supposed inability to climb stairs is still frequently referred to for humorous effect by journalists covering the series.

The 2005 series episodes Dalek and The Parting of the Ways featured Daleks hovering and flying, the latter also showing them flying through the vacuum of space. In the Dalek episode, the Dalek said "Elevate" before hovering, in the same way it would say "Exterminate" before exterminating.

And is this a good time to link to Charles Stross's free e-book, Accelerando? Could there be a bad time?

Not Quite Fit For Class Time

People who know me will attest that when the occasion warrants, and alas perhaps even when it does not, I am not notably squeamish about offending people. It may surprise them, therefore, to learn that there is one place where I am actually very squeamish about giving offense if it can be avoided: in the classroom. My feeling is that I have a somewhat captive audience, and that therefore I should be as careful as I can be to discuss potentially disturbing issues -- e.g. the control of pornography on the Internet -- in a somewhat clinical and even euphemistic manner. We may talk about the issues, but, for example, I certainly don't think we need in-class demos of how porn sites might trick people into going there with deceptively named URLs.

All of which is preface to why I suppose I probably won't be playing The Internet is for porn, a funny bit of World of Warcraft machinima, to my Internet Law class next year. (Warning: contains no nudity and only one offensive image.) And probably not even to the Virtual Worlds seminar (if in fact we get it organized). Which is maybe a pity.

Herding Cats

Here's inspiration for every law school Dean: It can be done.

Blonde Joke

It's going around the Internet as the Best blond(e) joke ever...but a lot depends on how you tell it.

Don't Even Think About It

Via Concurring Opinions, this marvelous piece of refried boilerplate from the AALS Section on Contracts:

IMPORTANT SMALL PRINT LEGAL DISCLAIMER

This web site is a forum for the exchange of information and points of view. Opinions expressed here are not necessarily those of the Section on Contracts or of the Association of American Law Schools, which when you think about it are really only reified abstractions that have no independent existence and therefore can’t really have any "opinions" about anything at all, so we’re not sure why we have to say this. All statements herein are the sole responsibility of the authors, except for any that are inaccurate, irresponsible, tasteless, or actionable, which are solely the responsibility of student editorial assistants who are working as independent contractors and for whom we will accept absolutely no responsibility whatsoever. There are no warranties, either express or implied, for the use of this site. Nothing on this site should be taken as legal advice, since only an idiot would take free legal advice on an important issue from the casual musings of a law professor instead of paying a practicing lawyer who actually knows the law of the jurisdiction you're in. Any disputes arising as a result of your use of this site shall be decided by arbitration under the rules of the International Chamber of Commerce in Japan, unless you happen to be somewhere in or near Japan, in which case it shall be decided in Belgium. Your reading of this provision signifies your assent to all its terms.

Perhaps this is a good time to refer readers to my own personal web site disclaimer? (Reprinted below for your convenience.)

DISCLAIMERS:

• This product is meant for educational purposes only.
• Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.
• Sell before date stamped on carton.
• Do not purchase if seal has been tampered with.
• Contents under pressure.
• Void where prohibited or taxed.
• Some assembly required.
• List each check separately by bank number.
• Batteries not included.
• Some settling of contents may occur during shipping.
• Use only as directed.
• No other warranty expressed or implied.
• Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment.
• Postage will be paid by addressee.
• Subject to CAB approval.
• This is not an offer to sell securities.
• Apply only to affected area.
• May be too intense for some viewers.
• Do not stamp.
• Use other side for additional listings.
• For recreational use only.
• Do not disturb.
• All models over 18 years of age.
• If condition persists, consult your physician.
• No user-serviceable parts inside.
• Freshest if eaten before date on carton.
• Times approximate.
• Simulated picture.
• No postage necessary if mailed in the United States.
• Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement.
• For off-road use only.
• As seen on TV.
• One size fits all.
• Many suitcases look alike.
• Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients.
• Colors may, in time, fade.
• We have sent the forms which seem to be right for you.
• Slippery when wet.
• Parental guidance suggested.
• Do not bend, fold, spindle, or mutilate.
• We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.
• Use unleaded fuel only.
• For office use only.
• Not affiliated with the American Red Cross.
• Drop in any mailbox.
• Edited for television.
• Keep cool; process promptly.
• For sale by prescription only.
• Post office will not deliver without postage.
• Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward.
• Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform.
• At participating locations only.
• Not the Beatles, just an incredible simulation.
• Penalty for private use.
• See label for sequence.
• Your mileage may vary.
• No part of this publication may be reproduced in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publisher.
• Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.
• Do not write below this line.
• Lost ticket pays maximum rate.
• Your cancelled check is your receipt.
• Place stamp here.
• Avoid contact with skin.
• Sanitized for your protection.
• Be sure each item is properly endorsed.
• Sign here without admitting guilt.
• Items sold separately.
• Slightly higher in California.
• Employees and their families are not eligible.
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Policy Wonk Joke

The debate over blog wonkery reminded me of a joke my dad told me, probably back in the good old days of the Nixon administration.

Q: “What’s the difference between Democrats and Republicans when it comes to research?”

A: “Democrats believe in research. They go out and commission the best experts they can find to advise them, then read the results. But when the results don’t agree with their plans, they just file the report. And then they go do what they were going to do anyway.

“Republicans don’t believe in research. They skip straight to the last step.”

Today's Strange Fact

The New York Review of Books: FAQ: About the electronic edition:

Q: If the entire contents of the archives were printed on one line, at the same size type used in the Review's print edition, how long would that line be?

A: 255 miles, or about the same distance as New York City to Kennebunkport, Maine.

(But I refuse to try to calculate how many miles of type I've read.)

Reinhardt Strikes Again!

The Onion - America's Finest News Source, reports that Activist Judge Cancels Christmas. I expect this latest ourage by Judge Stephen Reinhardt will be on Fox soon since it seems any lie on the subject of the oppression of the majority by itself will do very nicely.

Office Follies

At UM, visiting professors sometimes remark on the climate's effect on student clothing styles, which tend more towards the skimpy than is found in places where the outdoor temperature routinely dips below 75 degrees Fahrenheit. (Today's lovely and cool temperatures in the mid-60s won't last.)

That said, we haven't -- as far as I know -- ever had to contend with stuff like this incident at UC Irvine: Acephalous: My Morning: A Play in One Uncomfortable Act. (Don't miss the third comment. He's in for a disappointment.)

(Spotted via John Holbo at John & Belle have a blog.)

Update: It has been brought to my attention that the Irvine Incident was in the Humanities. I, of course, don't have the faintest clue what goes on in the Humanities departments here at UM or anywhere else...

Dubya, The Movie

Dubya, the Movie is clever, and there's no question it is exquisitely cast, but I found myself unable to laugh for some reason.

Update: On the other hand, this song did make me laugh pretty hard. I hope it gets a lot of airplay! (So do these guys.)

I Laughed! I Cried!

Yesterday, a student told me a very funny joke that he made up:

What's the difference between an onion and the Bill of Rights?

Answer below...

George Bush cries when he cuts into an onion.

My Curmudgeon Moment

This morning NPR was telling me about some program in prisons somewhere where the inmates are trained to run marathons as way of creating self-reliance, rehabilitation, connections with non-inmates and no doubt a host of other good things I was too sleepy to take in shortly after 7am on a Saturday.

Call me a curmudgeon if you must, but my first thought was to wonder whether teaching criminals to run faster really was an optimal use of tax dollars...

Ominous Omen?

At lunch today there was no fortune in my fortune cookie. Does this mean I have no future?

Do Not Read This While Drinking Coffee

David Weinberger shares a morning insight. Do not read while drinking coffee.

Coming Soon to All Kansas Schools?

Wikipedia's deadpan explanation of a parody religion based on the Flying Spaghetti Monster, AKA Pastafarianism.

The Philosopher at the Cocktail Party

Wacky (academic) fun at Thoughts Arguments and Rants: Silly Talk about Philosophy (spotted via Leiter) in which real live (academic) philosophers respond to this invitation:

what about a thread on the silliest things people have said to you about philosophy, or silliest philosophical claims you've heard made?

Alternative Potter

I can’t help it — I’m a sucker for _______ in the style of the Famous (and not-so-famous) Authors. So here, from a contest in the Guardian, is the Alternative Potter project: eighty-plus versions of the Death of Albus Dumbledore.

(This isn’t a spoiler, by the way. The Guardian started this contest before the book was released, and they picked Dumbledore as the victim arbitrarily. They didn’t know who gets killed in the current book — and I’m not telling.)

The entries are something of a mixed bag, but here’s William Carlos Williams:

This Is Just To Say

I have killed
the wizard
who was in
your novels

and whose death
you were probably
saving
for book seven

Forgive me
he had it coming
so beardy
and so old

(Thanks to Jim MacDonald, co-blogging at the ever-rewarding Making Light, for finding this; his readers have contributed more.)

Spam Poetry

Teresa Neilsen Hayden and her readers have supplied what I believe to be the world’s largest collection of spam composed in the style of the Famous Poets and classic poetic forms. Here’s a villanelle for your reading pleasure, composed by Dave Luckett:

To god I swear, it’s all quite real:
My son’s in stir. I’ve large amounts
What he has stolen. You can steal
As well as us, so here’s the deal:
Just specify your bank accounts.
To god I swear, it’s all quite real -
The late Abacha had a feel
For dosh. The oil in flowing founts
What he has stolen! You can steal,
As he did. Slippery as eel,
Was he; now renders his accounts
To god. I swear, it’s all quite real -
It’s thirty million, under seal,
But if I move, I must renounce
What he has stolen! You can steal
It. Hear, oh hear, my sad appeal:
Just email me your bank accounts.
To god I swear, it’s all quite real:
What he has stolen, you can steal.

And then there’s this entry by Josh Jasper:

this is the song
of miriam abacha
the spammer

miriam is a widower
of some vizeer or wazoo
in darkest africa
and she claims
that her son
had absconded with
thirty large
after her old man
got sent to sing sing

that was a long time ago
and one must not be
surprised if miriam
has forgotten some of her
more regal manners

archy

America Needs You, Harry Truman

I told an old joke at dinner.

The story goes that shortly after the end of World War II, an American soldier and a Russian soldier were patrolling the demarcation line between two sectors in Berlin. Every day they would walk up and down, up and down separated by a line. Eventually the two got to talking. One day the Russian said the American, “I don’t understand what is this ‘freedom’ business you Americans are always going on about. What use is ‘freedom’?”

“I can explain,” replied the American soldier. “When I’m demobilized and go home, I can walk up to the gate of the White House and shout ‘Truman is an IDIOT’ — and no one will do anything to me. That’s freedom.”

“Well,” the Russian replied, “if that is all there is to freedom, then we have freedom in the USSR too. When I go home, I can go up to the gates of the Kremlin and shout ‘Truman is an idiot’ and no one will do anything to me either”

“Is that still true?” a voice asked. Images flashed by: today’s White House. Surrounded by barriers to keep the public at a distance. Anxious guards who hustle the President away any time a small plane takes a wrong turn. An administration that will do anything to insulate itself from criticism.

“Of course it’s still true,” I reassured the children. “I can go right up to the White House today and shout ‘Truman is an idiot’ and no one will do anything to me, either.”

(Title inspired by Chicago VIII )

New Wifi Technology!

Just what the doctor ordered for weak wifi signals! WiFi Speed Spray (“Numbers don’t lie!”). I can use it to make a thorough study of the Wikerpedia, the new online competitor to the Wikipedia.

The toxicity stuff is a bit of a worry, though.

The Clients from Hell

Clientcopia : Coping with stupid clients is funny in a tragic sort of way.

Law is a service business. So to all the law students reading this blog, I say, Take Notes! Because you too will someday have a Client from Hell.

Tax Day Approaches

For those, like me, who have yet to file their tax returns, there comes a point where Steve Martin’s tax advice starts to seem attractive:

You.. can be a millionaire.. and never pay taxes! You can be a millionaire.. and never pay taxes! You say.. “Steve.. how can I be a millionaire.. and never pay taxes?” First.. get a million dollars. Now.. you say, “Steve.. what do I say to the tax man when he comes to my door and says, ‘You.. have never paid taxes’?” Two simple words. Two simple words in the English language: “I forgot!” How many times do we let ourselves get into terrible situations because we don’t say “I forgot”? Let’s say you’re on trial for armed robbery. You say to the judge, “I forgot armed robbery was illegal.” Let’s suppose he says back to you, “You have committed a foul crime. you have stolen hundreds and thousands of dollars from people at random, and you say, ‘I forgot’?” Two simple words: Excuuuuuse me!!”

Alas, it doesn’t work.

Ann Bartow, We Hardly Knew You

I was looking forward to meeting fellow speaker Siva Vaidhyanathan at the Yale Information as Flow conference, but in light of his recent behavior, I’m not so sure any more. (Disclosure: Ann Bartow is a friend.)

WSIS Was Nothing

U.N. Decides to Shut Down Internet Permanently.

Meanwhile, in an effort to head off international regulation, the IETF has come up with Requirements for Morality Sections in Routing Area Drafts.

Privacy? What Privacy?

It’s really true that there is no privacy anymore once you start using the Internet. With no regard to my personal privacy whatsoever, C.E. Petit has put sensitive information concerning my athletic prowess online.

Bush Impression

Steve Bridges as Mr. President — it’s scary how much he looks and sounds like the guy in the White House.

(Firefox users, please note that I had to use IE to get the video to work.)

Credit Card Prank, Round 2

Zug’s Credit Card Prank (previously blogged back when I had far fewer readers) cracks lawyers up; apparently regular people find it funny too. Now he’s done round two. It’s a little scatalogical, but funny: The Credit Card Prank II

The Ultimate Contract of Adhesion

The ultimate contract of adhesion.

Even the Seventh Circuit might find it unenforceable as against public policy.

Sticker Shock

Obsidian Wings: On a lighter note… notes a funny competition, and picks the winner.

Annals of Improbable Events (Repeat Performance Dept.)

A dentist found the source of the toothache Patrick Lawler was complaining about on the roof of his mouth: a four-inch nail the construction worker had unknowingly embedded in his skull six days earlier.

I have two questions about this.

First, how in the world can you jam a four inch nail up your head and not know? (Amazingly, this is not a unique case: “This is the second one we’ve seen in this hospital where the person was injured by the nail gun and didn’t actually realize the nail had been imbedded in their skull,” the neurosurgeon said. That’s two cases in one hospital alone. Imagine how many there could be nationally. Imagine the revised disclaimer the lawyers will be making the nail gun people but into their users manuals…)

Second, what did they say in the hospital when they developed the x-ray? Did they assume something went wrong with the x-ray machine and do a second one?

Hair Today, Tenure Tomorrow

A study of 1800 male UK academics reveals that professors are twice as likely to have beards as lecturers:

Women in academia lose out by a whisker: While 10.5 per cent of lecturers were bewhiskered, the figure rose to 13.6 per cent for senior lecturers, 16.7 per cent for readers and 21.4 per cent for professors.

The study’s authors suggest that whatever it is that makes departments like hairy faces may also contribute to discrimination against women:

One theory is that being unshorn makes men more likely to be appointed to professorships, as facial hair is linked with high testosterone and aggression.

Hmm. Does that mean that if I want to convince my students that I’m really just a pussy cat then I should shave my beard?

National Parent Strike Likely

It’s only two people in one small town today, but I think this has the makings of a serious national movement: Parents on strike against slacker kids:

The dishes, garbage and dirty laundry would pile up for days when Cat and Harlan Barnard’s two teenage children refused to do their chores. So the parents decided to take a picket line to the picket fences of suburbia.

Earlier this week, the Barnards went on strike. They moved out of their house and into a tent set up in their front driveway. The parents won’t cook, clean or drive their children — Benjamin, 17, and Kit, 12 — until they shape up.

”We’ve tried reverse psychology, upside-down psychology, spiral psychology and nothing has motivated them for any length of time,” Cat Barnard, 45, said Wednesday as she in her driveway sat in a lawn chair at an umbrella-covered table decorated with Christmas lights.

KIDS SURPRISED

The strike took Benjamin and Kit by surprise. They came home from school Monday to find their mother outside with handwritten signs that read ”Parents on Strike” and “Seeking Cooperation and Respect!”

Cat Barnard and her 56-year-old husband, a government social services worker, decided their children needed to learn to be responsible.

The Barnards unsuccessfully tried smiley-face charts and withholding allowances. They even sought help from a psychologist. The breaking point may have been when Benjamin didn’t offer to help his mother work on the lawn Sunday, even though she should have been resting after recovering from oral surgery.

I do think, however, that the Bernards have made one tacitcal error: they have ceded the house to the kids and are occupying the lawn. This may work in Flordia in winter, when it’s very very nice outside, but I don’t think this will translate well to Minnesota.

The Barnards have slept on air mattresses in the tent during their strike and have barbecued while their children fended for themselves with TV dinners inside the house. The parents only go inside to shower and use the bathroom.

On the other hand, if you put the kids in the doghouse in Minnesota, it’s probably going to be considered child abuse.

Meanwhile, it does seem as if the Bernard kids may be getting the message.

A visibily angry Benjamin returned from school on Wednesday to find a dozen reporters in his parents’ front lawn. He refused to say anything and went into the house followed by his mother, who tried to console him.

Hey kids — want to help move stuff in the house this evening?

Onion Previews New Iraq Terror Alert System

The Onion, America’s Finest News Source™, previews Iraq’s New Terror Alert System:

Yale Outsmarts Harvard

Well, actually, Yale outpranked Harvard with a carefully orchestrated prank at the 2004 edition of The Game in which members of the nonexistent “Harvard Pep Squad” got Harvard fans to hold up cards spelling out an anti-Harvard dig (see below). Mementos of the prank are on sale to defray expenses.

A “genuine difference” between her high school friends who go to Harvard and those who go to Yale, [a Yale student] said, is that people are just happier at Yale.

Boy, that was not true when I was at Yale: Yale students had to take more courses and do more writing and generally work much harder. The modal student probably learned more, but also suffered more. Plus in those days, New Haven was less salubrious than it is now.

Note: The original version of this prank is The Great Rose Bowl Hoax, which is listed at number one of the Top 10 College Pranks of All Time. Myself, though, I’m partial to MIT Hacks.

Canadian Jokes Anyone?

While I was in the UK last month, my friend Adrian challenged me to come up with a Canadian joke. I failed. He apparently collects them for some unfathomable reason, perhaps because they are rare. If any readers have some to contribute, I’m sure he’d be grateful.

Meanwhile, here’s a sample from Adrian’s collection:

Q: How do you get 20 teenage Canadian boys to get out of a swimming pool?

A: Stand by the edge of the pool and say, “Time to get out of the pool, boys.”

I Go Kozo

Kozo v. Vending Machine. The film that leaves you hungry for more. (spotted via lawprof Ann Bartow)

PS. I suppose that not many readers of this blog remember the electoral slogon I go Pogo? It was mostly before my time too, but I remember enjoing reading about it when I was a kid in the late ’60s or early ’70s.

It Hurts Even When I Laugh

Joke circulating via e-mail:

Q: What’s the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War?

A: George Bush had a plan for getting out of Vietnam.

The Truth Has Fangs

WolfpacksforTruth.org: The Real Story on George Bush’s “Wolves” Commercial (spotted in the wild via Talking Points Memo).

Call for Conservative Bloggers to Prove anti-Bush Documents are Fakes

YesBushCan.com is an energetic little site. It has issued a call for Bloggers Unite to Prove False Docs:

You exposed RatherGate by proving the CBS documents were fake — nice work! But now the liberals have found a bunch more documents so our work is not done. Let’s get to work proving that these are fake, too!

Their list of documents includes:

Dick Cheney’s DUI
George W. Bush’s DUI
George W. Bush’s Second DUI
Memo to Ken Lay
Second Memo to Ken Lay
Osama Warning Document Part 1
Osama Warning Document Part 2

[Links fixed]

Of course, this Truth Squadding stuff is not a project for the faint of heart!

Jokes to Get You Through the Debate

From the “Yuks” mailing list by Gene Spafford

“President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration.”
— David Letterman

“President Bush’s campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services records thrown out.”
— Jay Leno

“President Bush says in the last month he has created 300,000 new jobs. Yeah, they’re called Kerry campaign workers.”
— Craig Kilborn

OK. Time to be serious….

Tinfoil, Special Talk-Show Edition

David Letterman:

There’s a photograph of President Bush from the first debate and he’s got some kind of lumpy-looking thing on the back of his coat. And rumors are flying that it’s some kind of special radio receiver and that he’s getting answers from someone backstage. And, wow, it’s like he’s back at Yale.

Freudian Slip

I’m listening to the CSPAN post-debate call-in show. They have three phone lines, one for Bush supporters, one for Kerry supporters, and one for independents. Two of the last four Bush supporters have referred to “President Kerry”.

For Florida Residents Only: Cast Your Presidential Ballot Online

Due to the increasing doubts about the reliability of the Deibold voting machines, Jeb Bush & Co. have made available a more secure alternative voting platform, the Florida Election Ballot online. Now, if you are a registered Florida voter or know how to impersonate one online, you can cast your 2004 vote for President using this new service.

Gonzo Quicktime

Quietly gonzo, with weird resonances of bad Shakespearean hamming and of those annoying little films in Myst, Nigerian spam used as Quicktime soliloquy (spotted via Boing Boing).

America's Finest News Source: "Documents Reveal Gaps in Bush's Service"

It’s irrefutable this time: Documents Reveal Gaps in Bush’s Service. (Of course they could have found similar information via Yahoo.)

Bush Campaign, Diabolical Strategy

Zell Miller wasn’t enough, now this.

Ommm. Oy.

Eszter Hargittai is one of the smart people I feel fortunate to have met; she certainly does some interesting work. Turns out she’s also funny, witness Shana Tova, in which she forwards some ‘Thoughts Of A Jewish Buddhist’ just in time for Rosh Hashanah.

Do Not Read This While Drinking Anything

I bet almost every trial judge has dreamed of doing something like this during a discovery dispute.

It Got His Attention

My brother, the bigtime columnist, sure knows how to write an arresting lede. Witness the start of an e-mail my brother sent to Dave Barry that wound up in Dave Barry’s blog:

Hi! You once came to a party of mine and peed in my bushes.

But that’s not why I’m writing.

Actually, Dan was promoting this both funny and serious contribution by Gene Weingarten to the Nieman Watchdog blog.

What My Research Assistant Gets Up To When I'm Out of Town

It’s good to know that my research assistant is keeping busy while I’m in Amsterdam: Barsk: The Freezing Vodka Post

Two True?

‘Ascription is an anathema to any enthusiasm’ has some cute lines in Two Things
that might be, well, two true. Or not.

Gas Prices Are Getting Out of Hand

Source: BBC

Odd and Amusing

Via Doc Searls, a link to this.

Characteristically Funny

After a week or two of trying (and failing) to be fair and balanced by finding a flaw in Firefox to match the problems with IE, User Friendly explains why we don’t have Lynx -friendly cartoons.