Large Hadron Collider Webcams

These are cool: Large Hadron Collider - CERN supercollider - webcams

Hadron Collider Webcams

We have two webcams online at the moment

* WebCam 2: Focus of this camera set is directly point at the inner core of the particle accelerator .
* Webcam 5: Great view of the car park taken from the generator room

These are unusual images, and I highly recommend them.

And don't forget to check the right margin of this blog for the RSS feed result from Has the Large Hadron Collider destroyed the earth yet?.

Today's Greatest Headline?

Farmer claims GPS led him to breed clams in the wrong place, as reported in The Risks Digest (a fun publication).

UltraSnark

• Kos, Ensign raises just under $33K in Q309, “Let's put this another way: in Q309, the amount of cash John Ensign added to his campaign kitty was less than one-third the amount of hush money his parents gave to the family of his mistress.”
• SuperFreakonomics: Global Cooling (and some other stuff)?, “Diagnosis, in brief: (1) they write about stuff they clearly don't understand (2) they pick a catchy reverse-common-wisdom nugget as a headliner without the having the slightest interest in whether it is true or not (mind you, plenty of more respectable folk do the same) (3) they pick an expert to talk to, but since they don't have a clue about the subject they don't know how to pick a good expert, or even understand what the expert says (4) there is a grain of sense in there, but so badly wrapped in trash it is nearly unfindable.”
• Commentator reacting to plans to make a “conservative” version of the New Testament, “In this new version of the bible, Jesus asks the lepers what health care plan they’re on before he cures them.”
• The Yes Men

Update: And how did I miss this?

Google Mind-Powered Search Engine

I was recently directed to the Google Mentalplex, a way of searching for things by projecting mental images into the computer.

It's been around a while, but it's slow, and you have to remove your glasses for it to work, which is probably why it's not more popular.

Everybody Can Have One

Kenyan Birth Certificate Generator - Make your own! Invalidating legitimate presidencies since 2009!

(Please note that actually posting one of these things with otherwise accurate information invites ID theft....)

Dog Bites Gator

EYE ON MIAMI: Dog Pack Attacks Gator In Florida … by gimleteye

This Is Funny

This is funny.

Warning: Some viewers may find this oleaginous.

I Should Have Flipped a Coin

I got 40% on this quiz: Star Trek Character or Erectile Dysfunction Pill?. I could have done better flipping a coin. But then again, it does test on two subjects I'm ignorant about.

(Spotted via Bartow in one of her many online incarnations.)

Web Design Tips for the Harried

I've recently been heavily involved in web design for a project I hope to be able to unveil fairly soon. We hired a professional, and I think the final result will be both functional and elegant.

But, alas, I made all the crucial decisions before reading this essay on 10 things a web designer would never tell you. It's amazing how few of these things I figured out myself. I'll be better prepared next time.

Nine Theses for the Interent Age

Thanks to SG, a link to Nine Proofs Google is G*d.

The frightening thing is — this is far from nuttiest thing I've been emailed today. And that other one was sent in all seriousness…

Orin Kerr on 'The Flubbed Oath'

Orin Kerr nails it in The Significance of the Flubbed Oath:

To my mind, the flubbed oath at today's inaugural teaches one important lesson: The answer to the question, “How many former editors of the Harvard Law Review does it take to administer the Presidential oath properly?” is “More than two.”

Bingo!

On Shoe-Throwing

kast_sko is a Norwegian website dedicated to letting you throw a flash shoe at George W. Bush.

I gather some folks are thinking of organizing a real-life event to throw shoes onto the White House lawn. Arguably in bad taste, like the website, if it seems to somehow endorse the act of throwing shoes at people. I'm fine with shoes on lawns, but not for hard objects thrown at people.

But here's my question: If that shoes-on-the-White-House-lawn idea takes off, would that be the first major cultural import from Iraq since the war began?

ABA Issues Recall of 'Defective' Laywers

America's Finest News Source, American Bar Association Recalls 230,000 Defective Lawyers

Keep calm, it's only 1 out 5 or so….plenty left to go around….

The War Is Not Over

Cute little video (well, a bit self-serving, but why not), by the pranksters who brought you today's fake NYT, complete with headline announcing the end of the Iraq war.

Wish I could get one in Miami. And the web site seems totally slashdotted….

(Speculations as to who is behind it, from Gawker.)

Breaking: Bush Admin Official Apologizes For WMD Lies

Rice Apologizes for W.M.D. Scare: 300,000 Troops Never Faced Risk of Instant Obliteration .

I think the apology comes more than a little belatedly, don't you?

Yes, I know it's….

UPDATE: And there's more where that came from.

Happy Halloween

Be afraid.

Or do something.

[ Find Your Polling Place | Voting Info For Your State | Know Your Voting Rights | Report Voting Problems ]

The Great Debate

Further proof that debates do a bad job of raising the tone in America. (Warning: not politically correct or polite, but pretty funny except for the ending.)

Breaking: McCain Replaces Palin on Ticket

According to electmccain2008.us, Senator McCain has asked Gov. Palin to leave the ticket and replaced her with Debra J. Fields.

Here's the announcement (minus the illustrations — go visit the site to get the full flavor of the announcement):

My Fellow Americans,

It is with the heaviest of hearts that I have asked Sarah Palin to step down as my running mate and as the Republican Party candidate for Vice President. As a devoted Republican, as someone believing fervently in our cause, Sarah Palin will continue to campaign vigorously on my behalf.

In the days and weeks ahead the media will focus upon the reasons why I made this incredibly difficult but necessary decision.

But as others focus on the past, I will be looking forward and onward to the all-important task before me: showing America that I am indeed still the recipe for success for our country in these difficult and trying times.

For even when the chips are down and we've been battered about, we can rise up.

And rise we will, together with one voice, as we announce to the world the esteemed individual who will now join me on our ticket as Vice President for the Republican Party. For she is truly a beloved American. She is a mother, an incredibly successful business woman and an unswerving philanthropist.

She is the American dream made real.

And in this time of great need for our party, when asked … her answer was a loud and unequivocal “Yes!”

So, please join me with a deep and heartfelt welcome to our Vice Presidential nominee for the Republican Party, Mrs. Debra J. Fields.

McCain's new VP is Debbi Fields, aka Mrs. Fields

From her humble but determined beginnings at the age of 20, “Mrs. Fields” (as she is lovingly known throughout America and the world) took a meager investment and turned it into a $500 million company. She knows business. She knows the economy. And with ten children (five from her first marriage and five stepchildren), this working mom knows a thing or two about families.

Her personal mottos of “Good enough never is” and “The biggest failure in life is never trying,” show us that Debbi Fields brings to this ticket the authenticity and freshness America is craving today.

McCain - Fields, the Republican Presidential ticket for 2008

I invite you to take this opportunity to learn about Debbi Fields – all she has done and all she has to offer America – by reading her biography at ElectMcCain2008.us.

We know that we now have real challenges ahead in this campaign. But with Debbi Fields' motto closely at heart, we will also know that “Good enough never is” …

… and we will rise above.

Together, as Americans.

With The Firmest Resolve,

John McCain

I'll have to chew this over before I decide what to make of it.

New GOP Attack Ad

South Florida Daily Blog — which seems to have forgotten Discourse.net exists — has the goods on the new anti-Obama Ad:

These Things Happen

Eric Muller emerges from hibernation to post Is That Legal?: “A Life Without the Distraction of Television …”, which is a pointer to this amazing little piece of video:

Mr. Show Demonstrates How to Go Negative in Ads

Mr Show - McHutchence vs Greeley III

Beer Over IP!

Games * Design * Art * Culture has come up with a sure-fire money maker that should coin it even in a recession: Beer over IP

Running the Tables

This may be the World's Most Amazing Trick Shot! at pool, although myself I had no idea that you could use giant dominoes and ramps, not to mention multiple tables. (Warning to Francophones: the effect is somewhat spoiled by the inane and sexist commentary).

(spotted via boing-boing)

Berkeley Wants to Tell You Jokes

Inside UC Berkeley's joke recommendation system

Revert Wars

Short and very funny, Wikihistory (via boingboing)

At 14:57:44, SilverFox316 wrote: Back from 1936 Berlin; incapacitated FreedomFighter69 before he could pull his little stunt. Freedomfighter69, as you are a new member, please read IATT Bulletin 1147 regarding the killing of Hitler before your next excursion. Failure to do so may result in your expulsion per Bylaw 223.

At 18:06:59, BigChill wrote:
Take it easy on the kid, SilverFox316; everybody kills Hitler on their first trip. I did. It always gets fixed within a few minutes, what's the harm?

Academic Humor

So I am reading A Critical Guide to Vehicles in the Park, a paper by Frederick Schauer, which was part of Hart-Fuller conference at NYU. Towards the end he writes,

But we are not choosing between Hart and Fuller for a single position on a law faculty. They are, after all, both dead, and that appears to make them unlikely candidates for faculty appointments.

Then there's a footnote, which says:

Which is not to say that we might not prefer to have them, even dead, over some of our colleagues.

Tough crowd they have at the K-School…

Diebold Slip-Up Releases 2008 Election Result Ahead of Schedule

Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early.

Banking Humor

From Calculated Risk: Rob now, HOPE later:

A robber in a ski mask blamed the bank for what he was about to do, The Associated Press reported Feb. 22.

“You took my house, now I'm going to take your money!” the assailant hollered. Talk about a reverse mortgage!

The FBI plans to review the bank's foreclosure records for clues.

The suspect is presumed to be ARM'ed and dangerous.

Try It

(From here)

A Google Threat I Never Suspected

There are a host of reasons to worry about Google's ability to scoop up and correlate facts about its users. But I have to admit that I never thought of the one exposed at Google Maps is Evil.

Quality Over Quantity

Eric Muller says he doesn't remember many jokes, but in I'm Here All Week. Tell Your Friends. he tells a great Jewish joke that I never heard before:

So Joel Rabinowitz, this Jewish guy, falls in love with Bird-in-the-Night, an American Indian girl. They get married and soon decide to have a baby. This is when things get tough. Sol's parents insist that any grandchild of theirs must have a Jewish name. Bird-in-the-Night's parents tell Bird that they'll disown her if she doesn't give their grandchild an Indian name.

When the baby's born, they name her “Smoked Whitefish.”

Santa Gets Political

Santa tries, but fails, to make a delivery at the White House.

I guess he knows who's been naughty.

GW Bush Library Planned

Gene Spafford ('Spaf') runs a mailing list called “Yuks” which is often pretty funny. Today's entry, originating from Wm Leler, is about the next Bush Library:

They are already making plans for the GW Bush Library. Proposed exhibits include:

The Alberto Gonzales Room - Where you can't remember anything.

The Hurricane Katrina Room - It's still under construction.

The Texas Air National Guard Room - Where you don't have to even show up.

The Walter Reed Hospital Room - Where they don't let you in.

The Guantanamo Bay Room - Where they don't let you out.

The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room - Nobody has been able to find it.

The War in Iraq Room - After you complete your first tour, they can force you to go back for your second and third and fourth and fifth tours.

The Dick Cheney Room - In an undisclosed location, but reports are if you find it, it contains a unique shooting gallery.

Plans also include:

The K-Street Project Gift Shop - Where you can buy an election, or, if no one cares, steal one.

The Men's Room - Where you can meet a Republican Senator (or two).

Last, but not least, there will also be an entire floor devoted to a 7/8 scale model of the President's ego.

To be fair, the President has done some good things, and so the museum will have an electron microscope to help you locate them.

When asked, President Bush said that he didn't care so much about the individual exhibits as long as his museum was better than his father's.

Bill Strauss, Capitol Steps Co-Founder

I love the Capitol Steps comedy troupe, so I was sad to hear that co-founder Bill Strauss has died.

Here's a video in which he does McCain:

There's also a nice audio file of Strauss's Reagan song. Maybe 'lazy' Fred Thompson knows what he's doing?

Kant Attack Ad

And now for something completely different, via Crooked Timber, a Kant Attack Ad:

Cosmic Humor

A UserFriendly comic joke you will get if you've been reading this blog.

(If puzzled, see Can the Underlying Structure of the Universe Be Represented as an E8?.)

Update: Bonus Lisi joke: UnNews:Surfer dude stuns physicists with theory of everything.

World's Toughest 'No Parking' Sign?

Via Have Opinion, Will Travel, this sign:

Of course, if this were an intellectual property license, people would seriously argue that parking there gave the owners the right to spraypaint your car.

We're From the Goverment and We're Here to Track You

As someone who is interested in technologies that track people, I was quite impressed by this ONN discussion of the use of 24/7 tracking technologies to help the mentally ill.

For Sale, Slightly Used

Reprinted without comment: Ananova - Belgium up for sale on eBay

Internet auction site eBay has removed an unusual lot - the country of Belgium.

Bidding had reached 10 million euro before eBay withdrew the spoof sale, reports GVA.

It was put up for sale by former journalist Gerrit Six who wanted to protest that Belgium still had no government, 100 days after its elections.

The advert said: “Belgium a kingdom in three parts. Possible to buy it as a whole, but not advisable.

“Possible the three parts separately but beware of the public debt of 300 million euro.”

Bidding started at one euro and reached 10 million euro after 26 bids before eBay removed it from the site.

Actually, I can't resist one comment: it would have been fun to write the disclaimers, warranties and representations if it were an actual sale…

How Did Bill Gates Know???

Needlenose has found something odd:

For those of you using Windows, do the following:

1.) Open an empty notepad file

2.) Type “Bush hid the facts” (without the quotes)

3.) Save it as whatever you want.

4.) Close it, and re-open it.

Weird. Really Weird.

Stereotypes on Parade

As a long-time Francophile married to a Brit I am of course appalled at this display of European stereotypes that is making the rounds by email. But it's funny anyway.

Terrorism Alert!
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” Londoners have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been recategorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.”

The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and “Collaborate.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday, as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

Actually, I'm only publishing this because I believe in affirmative action for pan-European jokes that include smaller countries.

Worst Pun of the Month

Easily the worst techie pun of the month over at UserFriendly.

Ouch.

Video Reveals Fate of Rove Emails

The Inside Story About the Rove Emails

Something Isn't Kosher

• Washington Post, Absence of kosher donuts mourned
• New York Times, Kosher-for-passover gasoline (the theory being that using gas with ethanol is deriving benefit from corn, which is not kosher for Passover) [behind Times Select paywall].
• Jerusalem Post, Is marijuana kosher for Pessah?
• AP, Safety inspectors tell rabbi using bus as oven isn't kosher
• Chicago Tribune, China's plants clamor to go kosher
• Sun-Sentinel, Wine critic claims to have found good kosher wine.

Can you guess without clicking on the links how many of these stories are true, and how many are April Fools?

Introducing the iRack

OK, this is really funny.

YouTube - MADtv - iRack :

Notes From An Alternate Reality

Someone has a very active imagination. If only this video was real:

How to Tell if Your Child is a 'Hacker'

Discourse.net is proud to share with you, the reader, this important parenting information: Is Your Child A Computer Hacker?

News You May Have Missed Elsewhere

U.S. Dollar Drops Against Counterfeit U.S. Dollar
February 25, 2007

NEW YORK-At the close of trading Monday, the U.S. dollar dipped to a record low of $.60 against the counterfeit U.S. dollar, which also outpaced the dollar against the euro and the yen.

Supreme Court Gives Gore's Oscar to Bush

Stunning Reversal for Former Veep

Just days after former Vice President Al Gore received an Academy Award for his global warming documentary “An Inconvenient Truth,” the United States Supreme Court handed Mr. Gore a stunning reversal, stripping him of his Oscar and awarding it to President George W. Bush instead.

For Mr. Gore, who basked in the adulation of his Hollywood audience Sunday night, the high court's decision to give his Oscar to President Bush was a cruel twist of fate, to say the least.

All Hail the Conservapedia

Read all about the Conservapedia. But not while drinking hot coffee.

PS. As far as I can tell the Conservapedia is not intended as a joke, although some commentators have been less than respectful.

In Case You Missed the Real Thing

I tried to watch the state of the Union, but watching all the Democrats clap for lines about health care, when the real awful plan is based on robbing working people and defunding public hospitals in NY (where Senator Clinton is from, hmmm) to make tax breaks for healthy yuppies, well, that was too much.

But if you missed the real one, this summary goes down somewhat easier, although it's also painful:

The 'Phantom Professor' is Worrying About Blackmail Too

Having blogged David Brin's worries about blackmail of today's politicians, I can't resist noting that the 'Phantom Professor' is worrying about the blackmail of today's students when they become tomorrow's politicians.

Great Cartoon

Rest Cure

I was doing my first session of brain calisthenics this morning, figuring that I should start now before I get old, and get my cerebellum into really good shape. I know you're supposed to ease into a new exercise regime, but who knew that translating Proust into Esperanto would really be that hard?

Now I fear I may have pulled or strained something in the noggin department. But maybe if I rest it really hard, it should be better soon.

Anyway, I suspect I won't be posting much this week.

Six! Yes, Six New Lightbulb Jokes

I'm sorry, but I love lightbulb jokes. And it's a rare day indeed that I find SIX new ones. But thanks to Games * Design * Art * Culture, I learn how Game Developers Change Light Bulbs.

Sample:

Q: How many art directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Does it have to be a light bulb?

Marmaduke Explained

Joe Mathlete Explains Today's Marmaduke solves the problem of finding humor in this remarkably horrible daily comic. At first I didn't think the explanations were funny, but by the end I was roaring. It grows on you, like a certain type of near-surrealism. (Read at least a dozen before you give up.)

Wednesday's post was entitled I Quit, which made me nervous, but fortunately Mathlete wasn't serious.

Mathlete does not, however, explain how it can be that newspapers continue to carry this thing.

Google's Ethnographic Study of YouTube

This secret internal ethnographic study of YouTube commissioned by Google provides the first explanation I've been able to grasp as to why Google would pay $1.6 Billion for YouTube.

We Can Relax Now: Bush To Unveil Plan to Solve Global Warming

It seems that George Bush has a secret plan in the works to address climate change that he is going to unveil as an October Surprise in order to try to swing the mid-term elections.

He's going to invade the sun!

I Love This Cartoon

Which reminds me. Miriam Cherry asked recently "Where's the Elephant in Your Law School?, which she defined as "A problem that is so common that no one talks about or discusses it." The answers were not pretty.

Just One Question

Sent to me via email:

A woman in Hohhot, the capital of north China's Inner Mongolia region, crashed her car while giving her dog a driving lesson, the official Xinhua News Agency said Monday.

No injuries were reported although both vehicles were slightly damaged, it said.

The woman, identified only be her surname, Li, said her dog ''was fond of crouching on the steering wheel and often watched her drive,'' according to Xinhua.

''She thought she would let the dog 'have a try' while she operated the accelerator and brake,'' the report said. ''They did not make it far before crashing into an oncoming car.''

Just one question: Does she have relatives who live in Miami?

Canada's Revenge

My family got a big kick out of this Canadian comedy show in which interviewers get ordinary Americans to demonstrate astonishing ignorance while mesmerized by a TV camera. Personally, I found it so painful to watch I stopped part one half way. Not for the softhearted or squeamish:

"This Hour Has 22 Minutes" CBC news/commentary show, in which Rick Mercer would go to the USA and ask Americans whether they believed that Russia should given the Chechens in Saskatechwan their freedom, or for help defending our national igloo, or for congratulations on legalizing insulin. This show is a national institution, but it has never been aggressively marketed to Americans. You'd be hard pressed to get a funnier outside look into the USA.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

But then I don't like slapstick either. Nothing funny about people falling over in my book.

Avoiding Identity Theft With Stephen Colbert

Everyone is worried about identity theft these days.

Good thing that Stephen Colbert has some simple advice to help you stop worrying: Stephen's Sound Advice: Protecting Identity, pt. 1 and the even funnier pt. 2.

Almost as Good as Lightbulbs

Has John Quarterman figured out the next best thing since the lightbulb joke? Let's listen in:

Perilocity: Why Did the Titanic Sink?: Let's ask some people in different lines of work:

Reporters:
    because it hit an iceberg.
Executives:
    because it had the wrong captain.
Security professionals:
    because its rivets were stressed from temperature changes.
Security managers:
    because it didn't have radar to detect the iceberg.
Risk managers:
    because it didn't have access to a distributed iceberg detection system.

So let's add some...

White House Switchboard Modernizes

“Thank you for calling the White House switchboard. Our new voice activated system will help direct you to the proper office.”

“If you are calling to complain about the mishandling of the war in Iraq, press one.”

“If you are calling to complain about the abuse of prisoners and the White House’s endorsement of torture, press two, and then say the name of the torture site that you wish to complain about (and please note for the sake of the voice mail system that it is pronounced Abu GRABE, not Abu grahb).”

“If you are calling to complain about illegal spying on American citizens and the abuse of FISA laws, press 3, but do know that these calls will be recorded.”

“If you are calling to complain about the disastrous mismanagement of the hurricane Katrina recovery, please press 4, and your call will be directed to the Federal Emergency Management Agency. If you wait for more than 48 hours without anyone picking up the phone, hang-up and send a letter. We have been assured that all letters will receive a prompt reply within one year.”

“If you are calling regarding the administration’s unwillingness to enforce immigration law, press cinco, por favor, or direct any thanks to your local chamber of commerce office, which can explain why we like cheap labor that can’t vote and where you may be able to find willing illegal day laborers in your local area.”

“If you are Jack Abramoff or any Saudi prince, please call the private line * it is always open.”

“If you are calling about the Medicare prescription debacle, please press 6. If you are having a medical emergency, you should proceed directly to your local emergency room, although please understand that your health coverage may not pay for the visit and you can no longer get out from under the bill by declaring bankruptcy.”

“If you are calling about the ballooning federal deficit or the recent hike in the debt ceiling to $39 trillion, please press 7, unless you are Bill Clinton calling to brag about the surpluses under your administration, in which case we don’t want to hear about it.”

“If you are calling to complain about the White House’s efforts to block stem cell research, please press 8, and then say the disease that you are most concerned about that may ultimately be cured through scientific research. If you are a scientist calling with new research findings or important clinical data, please hang up, we don’t want to hear from you.”

“If you are calling to express concern about global warming and our efforts to roll back environmental laws, please press 9, unless you are a government scientist, in which case you are forbidden to talk without first clearing it with the oil lobbyist we hired to screen and edit your research. He can be reached at Exxon 4-2611.”

“If you are calling to complain about the President’s efforts to “privatize” social security, please press 1 and then the pound key, and your call will be redirected to representatives at Merrill Lynch, who will explain the virtues of putting all your savings in the stock market.”

“If you are calling about the need for more prayer in public schools or any other faith-based initiatives, please press 1 and then the star key, and Reverend Falwell will be with you shortly.”

“If you are calling to lobby for more Supreme Court Justices who will block a woman’s right to choose, please stay on the line and the President will be with you immediately.”

“If you are calling about all the tax breaks for the wealthy, press *1 if you have ideas for more loopholes and are making more than a million dollars per year; if you are earning less than a million per year but have ideas for how you may help the wealthy, press *2; if you are earning less than a million per year and just want to complain that all the burden is now falling on you, please call back in a couple of years.”

“If you voted for President Bush and are now concerned that over 12% of the U.S. population now falls below the poverty line while the top 1% has wildly increased their wealth, please understand that we are not laughing AT you.”

“Press zero at any time if you would like to hear these options again.”

“Thank you for calling the White House. It is our pleasure to serve you.”

Geek Humor

18 Days of Reckless Computing:

What kind of idiot buys a computer and willingly -- even eagerly -- exposes it to all the malware and viruses he can? Me.

Awful, Terrible, Horrible Joke

Q. What is Iraq's national bird?

A. Duck

What if Microsoft Had Designed the iPod Box?

I never thought before about why those boxes are as icky as they are. This video explains it.

The most amazing thing about this video, though, is who made it: according to the Wall Street Journal, "it was produced by designers at Microsoft, in a spirit of self-criticism. It's as if they know the sort of great design they ought to be doing, but are too smothered by a corporate culture to deliver it."

If they know better, does that make them any more likable?

Fair Warning (Alligator Dept.)

The front page of the Miami Herald is in one of its alligator panic moods today, blaring across the top, Trappers stalk a killer gator. Yes, on the day of the NSA scandals, the most important story in the universe is that,

Armed with smelly bait, a heavy-duty nylon cord and empty plastic bottles, a handful of hunters in a motorboat set traps in the muddy waters of the North New River Canal in West Broward on Thursday in an around-the-clock quest to snare a man-eating alligator.

The hunt began Wednesday about noon, after the mutilated body of a 28-year-old college student was found floating in the canal along State Road 84, just south of Markham Park, in Sunrise. The medical examiner ruled that the woman, who may have been jogging, was attacked, maimed and killed by an 8-to-10-foot alligator.

And, there's the companion story, Search for water drives gators toward us.

Which brings me to this public service announcement.

It being the graduation season, we can expect some parties. And parties sometimes mean inebriation. And if it happens on campus, it happens near our lake. And our lake sometimes has alligators and even a crocodile or two.

So, students, take note of this important study: Alligators Dangerous No Matter How Drunk You Are:

BATON ROUGE, LA--In a breakthrough study that contradicts decades of understanding about the nature of alligator-drunkard relations, Louisiana State University researchers have concluded that people's drunkenness does not impair the ancient reptiles' ability to inflict enormous physical harm.

"Our data strongly indicates that human intoxication does not transform an alligator into a docile creature that enjoys wrestling," said professor Ryder McCrory, chair of the Wildlife Taunting Department of LSU's prestigious Center For Bullying And Hazing Studies. "Despite its slow-witted demeanor and tendency to bask motionlessly in the hot sun, it's a mistake to believe that an alligator will passively tolerate a half nelson, no matter how much Southern Comfort is fueling it."

You Have Been Warned.

Geek Humor

Geek humor from userfriendly.org.

Where Evil Predators Pick Their Victims

This little ditty from the Daily Mail explains what is going to happen if you go on to the Internet today. Really funny!

Cheney Jokes Roundup

The Wall Street Journal has a roundup of Cheney jokes . My favorites include,

Leno: "Something I just found out today about the incident. Do you know that Dick Cheney tortured the guy for a half hour before he shot him?"

Jon Stewart: ""Yes, as you've just heard, a near-tragedy over the weekend in south Texas. Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt at a political supporter's ranch. Making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting VP since Alexander Hamilton.

"Hamilton, of course, shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird."

Bonus Cheney visual hunting aid:

And Boing Boing has a nice graphic showing 10 ways Dick Cheney can kill you.

You know it's bad when even Jeb Bush is making Cheney jokes.

Robot Uprisings. It's Only a Matter of Time.

It's good to have Bruce Schneier worrying about the big questions for us. The world is undoubtedly a safer place thanks to his work on crypto and security. And he's funny too. In Schneier on Security: How to Survive a Robot Uprising he points us to this "good start" on the problem:

i'm reading about how to survive a robot uprising. i'm not gonna give away all the secrets, but i'll share a few...

• choose a complex environment. waterfalls, street traffic, and places with lots of ambient noise confuse the robots.
• lose your heat signature. smear yourself with mud and leaves and sit real still.
• use uncommon words to suss out robots on the phone. robots do not know how pronounce supercalifragilisticexpealidocious.
• find a blunt weapon. serrated edges won't work on robo exo-skeletons. nope.
• alter your stride. robots can judge gait and injury, even height and intention, by stride, so put some rocks in your shoes and mix things up a bit. doing some ministry of silly walks stuff goes even further towards confusing them.
• pretend that everything is normal. to forstall a mechanized killing spree, you must pretend that nothing is amiss.

If they are Daleks, I thought you just find something with a lot of stairs and no elevator. But the Wikipedia entry on Daleks suggests I'm behind the times,

Due to their gliding motion Daleks were notoriously unable to tackle stairs, which made them easy to overcome under the right circumstances. An oft-copied cartoon from Punch pictured a group of Daleks at the foot of a flight of stairs with the caption, "This certainly buggers our plan to conquer the Universe". In a scene from the serial Destiny of the Daleks, the Doctor and companions escape from Dalek pursuers by climbing into a ceiling duct. The Doctor (Tom Baker) calls down, "If you're supposed to be the superior race of the universe, why don't you try climbing after us? Bye bye!" The Daleks generally make up for their lack of mobility with overwhelming firepower. A joke around science fiction conventions went, "Real Daleks don't climb stairs; they level the building."

In The Dalek Invasion of Earth (1964) a Dalek emerges from the waters of the River Thames, indicating that they are amphibious to a degree. Remembrance of the Daleks (1988) showed that they can hover using a sort of limited antigravity — first implied in earlier serials such as The Chase (1965) and Revelation of the Daleks (1985) — but their awkward forms still limit their mobility in tight quarters. Despite this, the Daleks' supposed inability to climb stairs is still frequently referred to for humorous effect by journalists covering the series.

The 2005 series episodes Dalek and The Parting of the Ways featured Daleks hovering and flying, the latter also showing them flying through the vacuum of space. In the Dalek episode, the Dalek said "Elevate" before hovering, in the same way it would say "Exterminate" before exterminating.

And is this a good time to link to Charles Stross's free e-book, Accelerando? Could there be a bad time?

Not Quite Fit For Class Time

People who know me will attest that when the occasion warrants, and alas perhaps even when it does not, I am not notably squeamish about offending people. It may surprise them, therefore, to learn that there is one place where I am actually very squeamish about giving offense if it can be avoided: in the classroom. My feeling is that I have a somewhat captive audience, and that therefore I should be as careful as I can be to discuss potentially disturbing issues -- e.g. the control of pornography on the Internet -- in a somewhat clinical and even euphemistic manner. We may talk about the issues, but, for example, I certainly don't think we need in-class demos of how porn sites might trick people into going there with deceptively named URLs.

All of which is preface to why I suppose I probably won't be playing The Internet is for porn, a funny bit of World of Warcraft machinima, to my Internet Law class next year. (Warning: contains no nudity and only one offensive image.) And probably not even to the Virtual Worlds seminar (if in fact we get it organized). Which is maybe a pity.

Herding Cats

Here's inspiration for every law school Dean: It can be done.

Blonde Joke

It's going around the Internet as the Best blond(e) joke ever...but a lot depends on how you tell it.

Don't Even Think About It

Via Concurring Opinions, this marvelous piece of refried boilerplate from the AALS Section on Contracts:

IMPORTANT SMALL PRINT LEGAL DISCLAIMER

This web site is a forum for the exchange of information and points of view. Opinions expressed here are not necessarily those of the Section on Contracts or of the Association of American Law Schools, which when you think about it are really only reified abstractions that have no independent existence and therefore can’t really have any "opinions" about anything at all, so we’re not sure why we have to say this. All statements herein are the sole responsibility of the authors, except for any that are inaccurate, irresponsible, tasteless, or actionable, which are solely the responsibility of student editorial assistants who are working as independent contractors and for whom we will accept absolutely no responsibility whatsoever. There are no warranties, either express or implied, for the use of this site. Nothing on this site should be taken as legal advice, since only an idiot would take free legal advice on an important issue from the casual musings of a law professor instead of paying a practicing lawyer who actually knows the law of the jurisdiction you're in. Any disputes arising as a result of your use of this site shall be decided by arbitration under the rules of the International Chamber of Commerce in Japan, unless you happen to be somewhere in or near Japan, in which case it shall be decided in Belgium. Your reading of this provision signifies your assent to all its terms.

Perhaps this is a good time to refer readers to my own personal web site disclaimer? (Reprinted below for your convenience.)

DISCLAIMERS:

• This product is meant for educational purposes only.
• Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.
• Sell before date stamped on carton.
• Do not purchase if seal has been tampered with.
• Contents under pressure.
• Void where prohibited or taxed.
• Some assembly required.
• List each check separately by bank number.
• Batteries not included.
• Some settling of contents may occur during shipping.
• Use only as directed.
• No other warranty expressed or implied.
• Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment.
• Postage will be paid by addressee.
• Subject to CAB approval.
• This is not an offer to sell securities.
• Apply only to affected area.
• May be too intense for some viewers.
• Do not stamp.
• Use other side for additional listings.
• For recreational use only.
• Do not disturb.
• All models over 18 years of age.
• If condition persists, consult your physician.
• No user-serviceable parts inside.
• Freshest if eaten before date on carton.
• Times approximate.
• Simulated picture.
• No postage necessary if mailed in the United States.
• Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement.
• For off-road use only.
• As seen on TV.
• One size fits all.
• Many suitcases look alike.
• Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients.
• Colors may, in time, fade.
• We have sent the forms which seem to be right for you.
• Slippery when wet.
• Parental guidance suggested.
• Do not bend, fold, spindle, or mutilate.
• We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.
• Use unleaded fuel only.
• For office use only.
• Not affiliated with the American Red Cross.
• Drop in any mailbox.
• Edited for television.
• Keep cool; process promptly.
• For sale by prescription only.
• Post office will not deliver without postage.
• Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward.
• Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform.
• At participating locations only.
• Not the Beatles, just an incredible simulation.
• Penalty for private use.
• See label for sequence.
• Your mileage may vary.
• No part of this publication may be reproduced in any form or by any means without the prior written permission of the publisher.
• Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.
• Do not write below this line.
• Lost ticket pays maximum rate.
• Your cancelled check is your receipt.
• Place stamp here.
• Avoid contact with skin.
• Sanitized for your protection.
• Be sure each item is properly endorsed.
• Sign here without admitting guilt.
• Items sold separately.
• Slightly higher in California.
• Employees and their families are not eligible.
• Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show.
• Limited time offer, call now to insure prompt delivery.
• You must be present to win.
• No passes accepted for this engagement.
• No purchase necessary.
• Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton.
• No riders.
• Shading within a garment may occur.
• Use only in well-ventilated area.
• Keep away from fire or flame.
• Replace with same type.
• Approved for veterans.
• Any rebroadcast, reproduction, or other use of the pictures and accounts of this game without the express written consent of Major League Baseball is prohibited.
• Booths for two or more.
• Check here if tax deductible.
• Some equipment shown is optional.
• Don't try this at home.
• Dispose of properly.
• No Canadian coins.
• Not recommended for children.
• Prerecorded for this time zone.
• Reproduction strictly prohibited.
• Do not immerse.
• No solicitors.
• No alcohol, dogs, or horses.
• Restaurant package, not for resale.
• List at least two alternate dates.
• First pull up, then pull down.
• Call toll free before digging.
• Driver does not carry cash.
• Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only.
• Record additional transactions on back of previous stub.
• No bills over $20 accepted.
• Price does not include taxes, title, destination charges, or dealer prep.
• No pepper games.
• This is not a competition, it is only an exhibition.
• No wagering.
• An equal opportunity employer.
• List was current at time of printing.
• This supersedes all previous notices.
• This information is subject to change without notice.
• All rights reserved.

Policy Wonk Joke

The debate over blog wonkery reminded me of a joke my dad told me, probably back in the good old days of the Nixon administration.

Q: “What’s the difference between Democrats and Republicans when it comes to research?”

A: “Democrats believe in research. They go out and commission the best experts they can find to advise them, then read the results. But when the results don’t agree with their plans, they just file the report. And then they go do what they were going to do anyway.

“Republicans don’t believe in research. They skip straight to the last step.”

Today's Strange Fact

The New York Review of Books: FAQ: About the electronic edition:

Q: If the entire contents of the archives were printed on one line, at the same size type used in the Review's print edition, how long would that line be?

A: 255 miles, or about the same distance as New York City to Kennebunkport, Maine.

(But I refuse to try to calculate how many miles of type I've read.)

Reinhardt Strikes Again!

The Onion - America's Finest News Source, reports that Activist Judge Cancels Christmas. I expect this latest ourage by Judge Stephen Reinhardt will be on Fox soon since it seems any lie on the subject of the oppression of the majority by itself will do very nicely.

Office Follies

At UM, visiting professors sometimes remark on the climate's effect on student clothing styles, which tend more towards the skimpy than is found in places where the outdoor temperature routinely dips below 75 degrees Fahrenheit. (Today's lovely and cool temperatures in the mid-60s won't last.)

That said, we haven't -- as far as I know -- ever had to contend with stuff like this incident at UC Irvine: Acephalous: My Morning: A Play in One Uncomfortable Act. (Don't miss the third comment. He's in for a disappointment.)

(Spotted via John Holbo at John & Belle have a blog.)

Update: It has been brought to my attention that the Irvine Incident was in the Humanities. I, of course, don't have the faintest clue what goes on in the Humanities departments here at UM or anywhere else...

Dubya, The Movie

Dubya, the Movie is clever, and there's no question it is exquisitely cast, but I found myself unable to laugh for some reason.

Update: On the other hand, this song did make me laugh pretty hard. I hope it gets a lot of airplay! (So do these guys.)

I Laughed! I Cried!

Yesterday, a student told me a very funny joke that he made up:

What's the difference between an onion and the Bill of Rights?

Answer below...

George Bush cries when he cuts into an onion.

My Curmudgeon Moment

This morning NPR was telling me about some program in prisons somewhere where the inmates are trained to run marathons as way of creating self-reliance, rehabilitation, connections with non-inmates and no doubt a host of other good things I was too sleepy to take in shortly after 7am on a Saturday.

Call me a curmudgeon if you must, but my first thought was to wonder whether teaching criminals to run faster really was an optimal use of tax dollars...

Ominous Omen?

At lunch today there was no fortune in my fortune cookie. Does this mean I have no future?

Do Not Read This While Drinking Coffee

David Weinberger shares a morning insight. Do not read while drinking coffee.

Coming Soon to All Kansas Schools?

Wikipedia's deadpan explanation of a parody religion based on the Flying Spaghetti Monster, AKA Pastafarianism.

The Philosopher at the Cocktail Party

Wacky (academic) fun at Thoughts Arguments and Rants: Silly Talk about Philosophy (spotted via Leiter) in which real live (academic) philosophers respond to this invitation:

what about a thread on the silliest things people have said to you about philosophy, or silliest philosophical claims you've heard made?

Alternative Potter

I can't help it — I'm a sucker for _______ in the style of the Famous (and not-so-famous) Authors. So here, from a contest in the Guardian, is the Alternative Potter project: eighty-plus versions of the Death of Albus Dumbledore.

(This isn't a spoiler, by the way. The Guardian started this contest before the book was released, and they picked Dumbledore as the victim arbitrarily. They didn't know who gets killed in the current book — and I'm not telling.)

The entries are something of a mixed bag, but here's William Carlos Williams:

This Is Just To Say

I have killed
the wizard
who was in
your novels

and whose death
you were probably
saving
for book seven

Forgive me
he had it coming
so beardy
and so old

(Thanks to Jim MacDonald, co-blogging at the ever-rewarding Making Light, for finding this; his readers have contributed more.)

Spam Poetry

Teresa Neilsen Hayden and her readers have supplied what I believe to be the world's largest collection of spam composed in the style of the Famous Poets and classic poetic forms. Here’s a villanelle for your reading pleasure, composed by Dave Luckett:

To god I swear, it's all quite real:
My son's in stir. I've large amounts
What he has stolen. You can steal
As well as us, so here's the deal:
Just specify your bank accounts.
To god I swear, it's all quite real -
The late Abacha had a feel
For dosh. The oil in flowing founts
What he has stolen! You can steal,
As he did. Slippery as eel,
Was he; now renders his accounts
To god. I swear, it's all quite real -
It's thirty million, under seal,
But if I move, I must renounce
What he has stolen! You can steal
It. Hear, oh hear, my sad appeal:
Just email me your bank accounts.
To god I swear, it's all quite real:
What he has stolen, you can steal.

And then there's this entry by Josh Jasper:

this is the song
of miriam abacha
the spammer

miriam is a widower
of some vizeer or wazoo
in darkest africa
and she claims
that her son
had absconded with
thirty large
after her old man
got sent to sing sing

that was a long time ago
and one must not be
surprised if miriam
has forgotten some of her
more regal manners

archy

America Needs You, Harry Truman

I told an old joke at dinner.

The story goes that shortly after the end of World War II, an American soldier and a Russian soldier were patrolling the demarcation line between two sectors in Berlin. Every day they would walk up and down, up and down separated by a line. Eventually the two got to talking. One day the Russian said the American, “I don't understand what is this 'freedom' business you Americans are always going on about. What use is 'freedom'?”

“I can explain,” replied the American soldier. “When I'm demobilized and go home, I can walk up to the gate of the White House and shout 'Truman is an IDIOT' — and no one will do anything to me. That's freedom.”

“Well,” the Russian replied, “if that is all there is to freedom, then we have freedom in the USSR too. When I go home, I can go up to the gates of the Kremlin and shout 'Truman is an idiot' and no one will do anything to me either”

“Is that still true?” a voice asked. Images flashed by: today's White House. Surrounded by barriers to keep the public at a distance. Anxious guards who hustle the President away any time a small plane takes a wrong turn. An administration that will do anything to insulate itself from criticism.

“Of course it's still true,” I reassured the children. “I can go right up to the White House today and shout 'Truman is an idiot' and no one will do anything to me, either.”

(Title inspired by Chicago VIII )

New Wifi Technology!

Just what the doctor ordered for weak wifi signals! WiFi Speed Spray (“Numbers don't lie!”). I can use it to make a thorough study of the Wikerpedia, the new online competitor to the Wikipedia.

The toxicity stuff is a bit of a worry, though.

The Clients from Hell

Clientcopia : Coping with stupid clients is funny in a tragic sort of way.

Law is a service business. So to all the law students reading this blog, I say, Take Notes! Because you too will someday have a Client from Hell.

Tax Day Approaches

For those, like me, who have yet to file their tax returns, there comes a point where Steve Martin's tax advice starts to seem attractive:

You.. can be a millionaire.. and never pay taxes! You can be a millionaire.. and never pay taxes! You say.. “Steve.. how can I be a millionaire.. and never pay taxes?” First.. get a million dollars. Now.. you say, “Steve.. what do I say to the tax man when he comes to my door and says, 'You.. have never paid taxes'?” Two simple words. Two simple words in the English language: “I forgot!” How many times do we let ourselves get into terrible situations because we don't say “I forgot”? Let's say you're on trial for armed robbery. You say to the judge, “I forgot armed robbery was illegal.” Let's suppose he says back to you, “You have committed a foul crime. you have stolen hundreds and thousands of dollars from people at random, and you say, 'I forgot'?” Two simple words: Excuuuuuse me!!”

Alas, it doesn't work.

Ann Bartow, We Hardly Knew You

I was looking forward to meeting fellow speaker Siva Vaidhyanathan at the Yale Information as Flow conference, but in light of his recent behavior, I'm not so sure any more. (Disclosure: Ann Bartow is a friend.)

WSIS Was Nothing

U.N. Decides to Shut Down Internet Permanently.

Meanwhile, in an effort to head off international regulation, the IETF has come up with Requirements for Morality Sections in Routing Area Drafts.

Privacy? What Privacy?

It's really true that there is no privacy anymore once you start using the Internet. With no regard to my personal privacy whatsoever, C.E. Petit has put sensitive information concerning my athletic prowess online.

Bush Impression

Steve Bridges as Mr. President — it's scary how much he looks and sounds like the guy in the White House.

(Firefox users, please note that I had to use IE to get the video to work.)

Credit Card Prank, Round 2

Zug's Credit Card Prank (previously blogged back when I had far fewer readers) cracks lawyers up; apparently regular people find it funny too. Now he's done round two. It's a little scatalogical, but funny: The Credit Card Prank II

The Ultimate Contract of Adhesion

The ultimate contract of adhesion.

Even the Seventh Circuit might find it unenforceable as against public policy.

Sticker Shock

Obsidian Wings: On a lighter note… notes a funny competition, and picks the winner.

Annals of Improbable Events (Repeat Performance Dept.)

A dentist found the source of the toothache Patrick Lawler was complaining about on the roof of his mouth: a four-inch nail the construction worker had unknowingly embedded in his skull six days earlier.

I have two questions about this.

First, how in the world can you jam a four inch nail up your head and not know? (Amazingly, this is not a unique case: “This is the second one we've seen in this hospital where the person was injured by the nail gun and didn't actually realize the nail had been imbedded in their skull,” the neurosurgeon said. That's two cases in one hospital alone. Imagine how many there could be nationally. Imagine the revised disclaimer the lawyers will be making the nail gun people but into their users manuals…)

Second, what did they say in the hospital when they developed the x-ray? Did they assume something went wrong with the x-ray machine and do a second one?

Hair Today, Tenure Tomorrow

A study of 1800 male UK academics reveals that professors are twice as likely to have beards as lecturers:

Women in academia lose out by a whisker: While 10.5 per cent of lecturers were bewhiskered, the figure rose to 13.6 per cent for senior lecturers, 16.7 per cent for readers and 21.4 per cent for professors.

The study's authors suggest that whatever it is that makes departments like hairy faces may also contribute to discrimination against women:

One theory is that being unshorn makes men more likely to be appointed to professorships, as facial hair is linked with high testosterone and aggression.

Hmm. Does that mean that if I want to convince my students that I'm really just a pussy cat then I should shave my beard?

National Parent Strike Likely

It's only two people in one small town today, but I think this has the makings of a serious national movement: Parents on strike against slacker kids:

The dishes, garbage and dirty laundry would pile up for days when Cat and Harlan Barnard's two teenage children refused to do their chores. So the parents decided to take a picket line to the picket fences of suburbia.

Earlier this week, the Barnards went on strike. They moved out of their house and into a tent set up in their front driveway. The parents won't cook, clean or drive their children — Benjamin, 17, and Kit, 12 — until they shape up.

''We've tried reverse psychology, upside-down psychology, spiral psychology and nothing has motivated them for any length of time,'' Cat Barnard, 45, said Wednesday as she in her driveway sat in a lawn chair at an umbrella-covered table decorated with Christmas lights.

KIDS SURPRISED

The strike took Benjamin and Kit by surprise. They came home from school Monday to find their mother outside with handwritten signs that read ''Parents on Strike'' and “Seeking Cooperation and Respect!''

Cat Barnard and her 56-year-old husband, a government social services worker, decided their children needed to learn to be responsible.

The Barnards unsuccessfully tried smiley-face charts and withholding allowances. They even sought help from a psychologist. The breaking point may have been when Benjamin didn't offer to help his mother work on the lawn Sunday, even though she should have been resting after recovering from oral surgery.

I do think, however, that the Bernards have made one tacitcal error: they have ceded the house to the kids and are occupying the lawn. This may work in Flordia in winter, when it's very very nice outside, but I don't think this will translate well to Minnesota.

The Barnards have slept on air mattresses in the tent during their strike and have barbecued while their children fended for themselves with TV dinners inside the house. The parents only go inside to shower and use the bathroom.

On the other hand, if you put the kids in the doghouse in Minnesota, it's probably going to be considered child abuse.

Meanwhile, it does seem as if the Bernard kids may be getting the message.

A visibily angry Benjamin returned from school on Wednesday to find a dozen reporters in his parents' front lawn. He refused to say anything and went into the house followed by his mother, who tried to console him.

Hey kids — want to help move stuff in the house this evening?

Onion Previews New Iraq Terror Alert System

The Onion, America's Finest News Source™, previews Iraq's New Terror Alert System:

Yale Outsmarts Harvard

Well, actually, Yale outpranked Harvard with a carefully orchestrated prank at the 2004 edition of The Game in which members of the nonexistent “Harvard Pep Squad” got Harvard fans to hold up cards spelling out an anti-Harvard dig (see below). Mementos of the prank are on sale to defray expenses.

A “genuine difference” between her high school friends who go to Harvard and those who go to Yale, [a Yale student] said, is that people are just happier at Yale.

Boy, that was not true when I was at Yale: Yale students had to take more courses and do more writing and generally work much harder. The modal student probably learned more, but also suffered more. Plus in those days, New Haven was less salubrious than it is now.

Note: The original version of this prank is The Great Rose Bowl Hoax, which is listed at number one of the Top 10 College Pranks of All Time. Myself, though, I'm partial to MIT Hacks.

Canadian Jokes Anyone?

While I was in the UK last month, my friend Adrian challenged me to come up with a Canadian joke. I failed. He apparently collects them for some unfathomable reason, perhaps because they are rare. If any readers have some to contribute, I'm sure he'd be grateful.

Meanwhile, here's a sample from Adrian's collection:

Q: How do you get 20 teenage Canadian boys to get out of a swimming pool?

A: Stand by the edge of the pool and say, “Time to get out of the pool, boys.”

I Go Kozo

Kozo v. Vending Machine. The film that leaves you hungry for more. (spotted via lawprof Ann Bartow)

PS. I suppose that not many readers of this blog remember the electoral slogon I go Pogo? It was mostly before my time too, but I remember enjoing reading about it when I was a kid in the late '60s or early '70s.

It Hurts Even When I Laugh

Joke circulating via e-mail:

Q: What's the difference between the Vietnam War and the Iraq War?

A: George Bush had a plan for getting out of Vietnam.

The Truth Has Fangs

WolfpacksforTruth.org: The Real Story on George Bush's “Wolves” Commercial (spotted in the wild via Talking Points Memo).

Call for Conservative Bloggers to Prove anti-Bush Documents are Fakes

YesBushCan.com is an energetic little site. It has issued a call for Bloggers Unite to Prove False Docs:

You exposed RatherGate by proving the CBS documents were fake — nice work! But now the liberals have found a bunch more documents so our work is not done. Let's get to work proving that these are fake, too!

Their list of documents includes:

Dick Cheney's DUI
George W. Bush's DUI
George W. Bush's Second DUI
Memo to Ken Lay
Second Memo to Ken Lay
Osama Warning Document Part 1
Osama Warning Document Part 2

[Links fixed]

Of course, this Truth Squadding stuff is not a project for the faint of heart!

Jokes to Get You Through the Debate

From the “Yuks” mailing list by Gene Spafford

“President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration.”
— David Letterman

“President Bush's campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services records thrown out.”
— Jay Leno

“President Bush says in the last month he has created 300,000 new jobs. Yeah, they're called Kerry campaign workers.”
— Craig Kilborn

OK. Time to be serious….

Tinfoil, Special Talk-Show Edition

David Letterman:

There's a photograph of President Bush from the first debate and he's got some kind of lumpy-looking thing on the back of his coat. And rumors are flying that it's some kind of special radio receiver and that he's getting answers from someone backstage. And, wow, it's like he's back at Yale.

Freudian Slip

I'm listening to the CSPAN post-debate call-in show. They have three phone lines, one for Bush supporters, one for Kerry supporters, and one for independents. Two of the last four Bush supporters have referred to “President Kerry”.

For Florida Residents Only: Cast Your Presidential Ballot Online

Due to the increasing doubts about the reliability of the Deibold voting machines, Jeb Bush & Co. have made available a more secure alternative voting platform, the Florida Election Ballot online. Now, if you are a registered Florida voter or know how to impersonate one online, you can cast your 2004 vote for President using this new service.

Gonzo Quicktime

Quietly gonzo, with weird resonances of bad Shakespearean hamming and of those annoying little films in Myst, Nigerian spam used as Quicktime soliloquy (spotted via Boing Boing).

America's Finest News Source: "Documents Reveal Gaps in Bush's Service"

It's irrefutable this time: Documents Reveal Gaps in Bush's Service. (Of course they could have found similar information via Yahoo.)

Bush Campaign, Diabolical Strategy

Zell Miller wasn't enough, now this.

Ommm. Oy.

Eszter Hargittai is one of the smart people I feel fortunate to have met; she certainly does some interesting work. Turns out she's also funny, witness Shana Tova, in which she forwards some 'Thoughts Of A Jewish Buddhist' just in time for Rosh Hashanah.

Do Not Read This While Drinking Anything

I bet almost every trial judge has dreamed of doing something like this during a discovery dispute.

It Got His Attention

My brother, the bigtime columnist, sure knows how to write an arresting lede. Witness the start of an e-mail my brother sent to Dave Barry that wound up in Dave Barry's blog:

Hi! You once came to a party of mine and peed in my bushes.

But that's not why I'm writing.

Actually, Dan was promoting this both funny and serious contribution by Gene Weingarten to the Nieman Watchdog blog.

What My Research Assistant Gets Up To When I'm Out of Town

It's good to know that my research assistant is keeping busy while I'm in Amsterdam: Barsk: The Freezing Vodka Post

Two True?

'Ascription is an anathema to any enthusiasm' has some cute lines in Two Things
that might be, well, two true. Or not.

Gas Prices Are Getting Out of Hand

Source: BBC

Odd and Amusing

Via Doc Searls, a link to this.

Characteristically Funny

After a week or two of trying (and failing) to be fair and balanced by finding a flaw in Firefox to match the problems with IE, User Friendly explains why we don't have Lynx -friendly cartoons.

US Troops on Guard Against French Lobster

French 'lobster' alarms US troops: A seemingly innocuous codename chosen by French special forces in south-east Afghanistan caused alarm among US troops searching for Osama Bin Laden.

A newly arrived French commander picked “homard”, meaning lobster, as an alias, the newspaper Liberation reports.

He did not realise that it sounds like Omar, the first name of the Mullah who led the Taleban and is now on the run.

Concerned US intelligence services monitoring French communications raised the alarm and the codename was changed.

Of course, those of us in the know realized immediately that this fish story was just a cover to explain why the US spies on the perfidious French! And the great thing about the story is that Europeans immediately believe it!

What's even stranger is that the BBC buries the really interesting part of this story:

The incident, said to have happened in July 2003, marked the start of French special forces' involvement in operation Enduring Freedom, the US-led action to find the al-Qaeda leader.

The presence of more than 200 French troops in the area has only just been acknowledged by Defence Minister Michele Alliot-Marie.

So the French have been helping hunt Osama all the time the Republicans have been jumping up and down about them? Such great diplomacy on the part of the US!

NOTE: 'Homard' is no relation to the Medium Lobster

Secret Presidential Briefing Memo Revealed!

Thanks to special contacts who do not wish to be named, I have secured an exclusive copy of a key Presidential Daily Briefing, complete with GW Bush's own marginal notations. Click here to pop up a full size copy!. I think this document puts to rest any question of what Bush knew and when he knew it!

Another Cover-Up

New roadside attraction's a cover-up. It seems someone complained about nude classical-style statuary at a garden center because the statutes were visible from the road:

… the statues weigh as much as 500 pounds each and are an ordeal to move. So owners Angie Langford and Pam Gregory came up with a different approach to customer service.

Nearly a dozen concrete statues are sporting crimson velvet two-piece sarongs.

I suppose this explains why people got so worked up about the Janet Jackson thing. No, actually, it doesn't explain it…it's just consistent with it.

Cheney and the Soveitized Duck Test

Steve Koppelman explains how their similarly Sovietized hunting habits demonstrate that Vice President Cheney is at least 175% the leader Boris Yeltsin was.

Read it, and then consider whether there's anything fishy about this AP story,

President Bush skipped a third round of fishing on his ranch pond Saturday with a crew from an outdoors show, though his performance the day before was something to brag about.

“He took the biggest one of the day,'' a bass nearly four pounds, said Roland Martin, host of the Outdoor Life Network program, “Fishing with Roland Martin.''

Pro G 2 TRE-T 1STITUAN 1 KONSTITU6ON POOR L'€P

“La langue de l’Europe c’est la traduction.”
— Umberto Eco

Roland Barthes would have loved this. A Euro-MP named William Abitbol has gone and had the draft European Constitution translated into Texto SMS 'for the benefit of the younger generation'.

So here's a hipness test, dear reader. Can you read this:

Kon6an ke l'€p ét 1 continan porteur 2 6viliza6on ; ke C zabitan, venu /vag suxSiv 2 p8 lé ler zaj 2 lumaniT, i on DvloP progrSivman lé valeur ki fond lumanism : légaliTD zètr, la libRT, le rSP 2 la rézon,

If you looked at that and saw the first paragraph of the Preamble,

Conscients que l'Europe est un continent porteur de civilisation; que ses habitants, venus par vagues successives depuis les premiers âges de l'humanité, y ont développé progressivement les valeurs qui fondent l'humanisme: l'égalité des êtres, la liberté, le respect de la raison,

Then you are hip indeed. And your French is good too.

(Credit: My wife, who teaches EU law, tipped me off to this one.)

Lab Reports Were Never Like This

Wow, lab reporting styles have really changed since that miserable summer I spent in a lab counting chromosomes in transformed chinese hampster ovary cells. Nobody wrote like this. (Spotted via Dave Farber's IP list)

For Brian Leiter

Attention Nietzsche scholars. America's Finest News Source™ discloses New Nietzschean Diet Lets You Eat Whatever You Fear Most. [Link updated thanks to Hugh Hyatt]

First formulated by Nietzsche, who felt lassitude and weltschmerz overcome him after a steady diet of Schopenhauer, the diet retains elements of that philosopher's “The Fruit Bowl As Will And Representation,” but adds a persuasive personal challenge.

“The basics of the Nietzschean regimen are simple,” Hollingdale wrote in the book's foreword. “The dieter exercises a painful amount of self-honesty in order to identify the primary object of his or her deepest human dread as personified by a wide-ranging group of foodstuffs. Once the dieter's Fear has been identified, he eats that food exclusively, in unlimited amounts, until the food no longer appetizes or frightens him. Having completed his gorge and transcended his fear, the dieter fasts for 20 days on water and Simple Salad.

…

Many Nietzschean dieters are reporting success, although some complain of side effects.

Kansas City's John Mencken started the diet in January. He lost 35 pounds, eight inches from his waistline, and many of his slave moralities. …

The Nietzschean diet has its critics. Detractors say the diet's actual nutritional requirements are vague, that it provides no concrete plan for progression toward weight-loss targets, and that the book consists mostly of unclear and unusually harsh sets of inspirational logical lacunae.

“Those on Nietzsche's diet must remember that, while discipline and mastering one's fear are desirable, the specter of a man striving willfully and joyfully against a frigid universe while drinking deep of 'life's bitter broth' will not precipitate weight loss,” nutritionist Dr. Frank Stearns said. “A few more non-allegorical recipes would have been nice, too.”

(Spotted via John & Belle Have a Blog)

One Heck of an Easter Egg

The Watley Review reports on what people are finding in the Win 2000 and Win NT source code leaked from Microsoft:

“The profanity which pervades the code was the first thing to leap out at you,” said Paul Mayberry, professor of computer science at the University of Chicago. “But people have been finding all kinds of strange things in that code.”

The code appears to have been used as a storage file of sorts where Microsoft employees parked other documents they were working on, including personal letters, salary records and disciplinary actions, and, most strikingly, a nearly complete romance novel in 13 chapters distributed among the code.

“There are several remarkable features about this text,” said Mayberry. “In the first place, it does not inspire confidence in the integrity and efficiency of Microsoft's coding to know that someone was able to insert a 30,000 word document with no apparent effects.”

The novel, entitled “Forbidden Love in the Evil Empire,” describes a torrid affair between improbably attractive coders working for a megacorporation similar to Microsoft. Several of the characters appear to be adaptations of Star Trek characters, and at least one, inexplicably, is covered in fur.

What a pity that the Whatley Review describes itself as “dedicated to the production of articles completely without journalistic merit or factual basis, as this would entail leaving our chairs or actually working.” Because I would have loved this to be true.

Top 10 Rules of Debugging

In the comments to a Very Serious discussion of debugging at Slashdot, appear the Top 10 Rules of Debugging:

• 10. Code is always Beta. It's never done until it's no longer in use or support no longer exists.
• 9. The better the SDK, the more sophisticated the bugs.
• 8. There's always more bugs in the other guy's (girl's) code.
• 7. Declaring code bug-free is asking for it to fail at the worst possible time with the greatest visibility.
• 6. A good design is as likely to have bugs as a bad one. Bugs are equal opportunity.
• 5. Debugging time is inversely proportional to coding time.
• 4. If it works the first time, there's a bug, but you won't find it until you roll it out.
• 3. Debugging is fun. Really! It's when you run out of bugs that you should wonder if you got them all, that's not fun.
• 2. The most difficult bugs to find are in the most straightforward looking code.
• 1. That's not a bug, that's a feature.

Tales From the Tech Support Crypt

True tales from tech support. Reed 'em and weep. Probably with laughter.

Now, A Genuine Nightmare

The Daily Telegraph has the sequel to the story about the grad student who tried to bluff his way through economics lectures in Bejing. If that was bad, the aftermath may be worse as it involves lawyers.

Student lecturer may be sued: An Oxford engineering student who posed as an expert in global finance to deliver lectures to business leaders in China, was told yesterday that he could be sued.

Faced with the bad publicity, the lecture hosts are now scrambling to say they knew he was a fake all along, and they're going to get him for it.

Although Mr Richardson, who is studying at St Peter's College, was the toast of his friends after returning to Britain, the academic institution that sent him to China was less than amused.

Dr Julian Ng, of the private Warnborough University in Canterbury, said: “Mr Richardson may think he has been very clever but there are serious ramifications. Several dozen people from the business world took time out from their busy schedules to fly to Beijing to attend the lectures.

“Being Chinese, they were far too polite to say anything to Mr Richardson but it was soon obvious to them that they were being addressed by someone who didn't know what he was talking about.

“A lot of time and money has been wasted and we are having to re-run the lectures.

“We are in contact with counsel and it may well be that we will sue Mr Richardson for the return of the money he has taken from us.” However, Mr Richardson was unrepentant. He said: “I know about as much about the law as I do about finance, which is not very much, but I don't think they stand a chance.”

Dr Ng said he had lined up an academic to deliver the lectures to the businessmen and women studying for a PhD but he pulled out over fears of contracting bird flu. In haste he contacted a colleague who suggested Mr Richardson.

“I was under the impression that Mr Richardson was a doctoral student in finance,” he said.

“I had no idea he was studying engineering. This only became apparent when his CV arrived after he had flown to China.”

It does seem that the hosts have the makings of a breach of contract case, as Mr. Richardson didn't in fact deliver all the lectures. On the other hand, if they represented to him that it was going to be fewer lectures, or the same one a few times, he might have a counter-claim or at least a defence.

Myself, I hope the hosts are blowing smoke. I doubt the claim would be worth pursing, either for the limited damages (although you get costs in the UK so smaller claims are viable), or for the certainty of even more bad publicity.

Then again, would Mr. Richardson go pro se? That might be something to see.

The Stuff of Nightmares

This story is so weird that it feels made up. I imagine it also corresponds to many academics' nightmares (not mine though!)

'I blagged my way through, reading a torn-up textbook and ad libbing': An Oxford engineering student was surprised but undaunted when he was approached to deliver a series of lectures in Beijing on global economics.

Matthew Richardson knew “next to nothing” about the subject but, believing he would be addressing a sixth-form audience, he felt he could “carry it off”.

Mr Richardson, 23, borrowed an A-level textbook entitled An Introduction to Global Financial Markets from a library and swotted up on its contents on the flight from London to China.

From it he prepared a two-hour presentation, believing he had to deliver the same lecture several times over to different groups of students over three days.

Mr Richardson, who has the same name as a New York University professor who is a leading authority on international financial markets, was met at the airport and taken straight to a conference centre where, over lunch, “the horrible truth became apparent”.

He said: “It became clear to me that my audience was not students, but people from the world of commerce studying for a PhD in business studies having already gained an MBA.

“And instead of repeating the same lecture, I was required to deliver a series of different lectures to the same people over three days. The first one was immediately after lunch.

“I have no idea who they were expecting. Being Chinese, they were inscrutable and if they were expecting someone else they didn't show it. Perhaps they thought I was a prodigy. They all called me professor.

“I had come this far, so I decided not to back out. I hoped I could blag my way through.”

Because Mr Richardson was relying on the book, written by Stephen Valdez, he had taken the precaution of buying a second copy before leaving Oxford. “I ripped out the pages and disguised each chapter as notes.

“Because I was speaking through an interpreter I had the time to glance at the pages and prepare myself for what I was going to say next. I ad libbed a bit and really got into the subject. I was learning as much as my audience.”

To add authenticity to his delivery, he used his laptop computer to make it appear that he was reading from his own material and made notes on a board to emphasise points he was making.

All went well during the first afternoon. The following day he made it through to the lunch break when several students told him, through the interpreter, how informative they were finding his lectures.

“The problem was that I was running out of chapters. By mid-afternoon on the second day I was already on chapter 15 of 16 and I still had the rest of the day and the following morning to go. I realised I wasn't going to make it.”

It was then that his nerve broke. “I didn't like to tell them I didn't know what I was talking about. So I decided to leg it.”

During a coffee break he collected his bag from the adjoining conference hotel and checked out. He booked into another hotel where he spent a fearful night expecting a knock on the door at any time and then headed for the airport for his pre-arranged flight home.

Wonkette Tries Out New Edwards Campaign Theme

Not safe for (some) work: Wonkette has a very funny, but not very clean, suggestion for a new Edwards campaign slogan. I think this would have to be done via independent non-campaign expenditures….

Stories Like This Are Why the US Seems So Odd to Europeans

Lost driver shuts down border: American takes wrong turn, hits Canadian border carrying hand grenade.

No, not just any border crossing — the Peace Arch Crossing.

Why, you might ask, was this lady carrying a hand grenade in her glove compartment? Is this the latest in fashion? Or is this what they carry in Houston these days for self-defense against carjackers?

Or is it just that anyone who could take a 400km wrong turn, following signs to Vancouver, B.C. instead of Vancouver, Washington is just a bit, well, nuts?

Shields said the woman's husband apparently is a member of the U.S. military posted at the army base at Fort Lewis, Wash., just south of Olympia, Wash.

RCMP were determining if the grenade was a dummy or contained explosives but said it was likely live.

The woman, originally from Houston, Tex., was turned over to Canadian immigration authorities.

“It's quite likely this woman did not know that the grenade was inside her vehicle and she is apparently quite shaken up by the whole ordeal, so charges are quite unlikely,” said Shields.

“Likely the woman will be returned back to the U.S.”

Lucky us.

Volokh Ponders the Trojan Doctrine

In trademark law, a mark that is deceptively misdescriptive is not registerable. But what if the mark (falsely?) imputes bad qualities to the goods? Eugene Volokh argues we need a Trojan Doctrine to cope with that one.

George W. Bush, Economist

Remarks by the President to the Press Pool
Nothin' Fancy Cafe
Roswell, New Mexico

11:25 A.M. MST

THE PRESIDENT: I need some ribs.

Q Mr. President, how are you?

THE PRESIDENT: I'm hungry and I'm going to order some ribs.

Q What would you like?

THE PRESIDENT: Whatever you think I'd like.

Q Sir, on homeland security, critics would say you simply haven't spent enough to keep the country secure.

THE PRESIDENT: My job is to secure the homeland and that's exactly what we're going to do. But I'm here to take somebody's order. That would be you, Stretch -- what would you like? Put some of your high-priced money right here to try to help the local economy. You get paid a lot of money, you ought to be buying some food here. It's part of how the economy grows. You've got plenty of money in your pocket, and when you spend it, it drives the economy forward. So what would you like to eat?

Q Right behind you, whatever you order.

THE PRESIDENT: I'm ordering ribs. David, do you need a rib?

Q But Mr. President --

THE PRESIDENT: Stretch, thank you, this is not a press conference. This is my chance to help this lady put some money in her pocket. Let me explain how the economy works. When you spend money to buy food it helps this lady's business. It makes it more likely somebody is going to find work. So instead of asking questions, answer mine: are you going to buy some food?

Q Yes.

THE PRESIDENT: Okay, good. What would you like?

Q Ribs.

THE PRESIDENT: Ribs? Good. Let's order up some ribs.

Q What do you think of the democratic field, sir?

THE PRESIDENT: See, his job is to ask questions, he thinks my job is to answer every question he asks. I'm here to help this restaurant by buying some food. Terry, would you like something?

Q An answer.

Q Can we buy some questions?

THE PRESIDENT: Obviously these people -- they make a lot of money and they're not going to spend much. I'm not saying they're overpaid, they're just not spending any money.

Q Do you think it's all going to come down to national security, sir, this election?

THE PRESIDENT: One of the things David does, he asks a lot of questions, and they're good, generally.

END 11:29 A.M. MST

Why I am Not Making a Modest Proposal About Makeovers as Preparation for a Career as a Lawyer

I had been going to suggest that since studies show that better looking lawyers make more money, the law school should start offering third year students free makeovers and hire a dress consultant in an effort to create more rich alumni and generally happier 'customers'.

But I'm reconsidering. In light of this story in today's Daily Telegraph, I'm not at all sure it is in a lawyer's interests to look too good. It seems that the Court of Appeal in London may order a new trial after a recent fraud conviction because — two weeks after the end of the trial — the foreman (a woman) sent the prosecuting barrister (described as a happily married man) a bottle of champagne and note asking, “What does a lady need to do to attract your attention?” It could be that a lawyer can look too good for his/her own good.

My musings on this subject started with MS-NBC's silly but amusing recent “hidden camera” report 'proving' that attractive people get treated (much, much, much) better by strangers. That reminded me of the definitive study by Jeff Biddle & Daniel S. Hamermesh, Beauty, Productivity and Discrimination: Lawyers' Looks and Lucre (2000) in which they found that attractive lawyers make more money.

We propose several models in which an ascriptive characteristic generates earnings differentials and is sorted across sectors. The general approach shows how to distinguish the ultimate sources of labor-market returns to such characteristics; the specific example uses longitudinal data on a large sample of attorneys who graduated from one law school. Beauty is measured by ratings of their matriculation photographs. 1) Better-looking attorneys who graduated in the 1970s earned more after 5 years of practice than their worse- looking classmates, other things equal, an effect that grew even larger by the fifteenth year of practice. There is no impact of beauty on earnings among 1980s graduates. 2) Attorneys in the private sector are better-looking than those in the public sector, with the differences rising as workers sort across sector based on their beauty. 3) Male attorneys' probability of attaining an early partnership rises with beauty. The results support a theory of dynamic sorting and the role of customer behavior. We cannot determine whether this is because clients discriminate or because better-looking lawyers are able to obtain greater pecuniary gains for their clients.

It also reminded me of the more recent study by Daniel S. Hamermesh and Amy M. Parker, Beauty in the Classroom: Professors' Pulchritude and Putative Pedagogical Productivity (2003), which demonstrated that students give better evaluations to faculty they deem attractive — although whether this is lookist discrimination or attractive people hold their interest better, leading to more learning, remains to be worked out.

So I got to thinking that if our law school wanted to increase 'customer' satisfaction — so much the rage these days — and also engage in the sort of practical skills training that future lawyers will be able to use on a daily basis in their careers — so much the rage for the past decade or more — that what we should really do is get everyone to look and dress better. This would of course be particularly appropriate given our location, Miami being the body beautiful capital of the non-Brazilian world.

The plight of Richard Latham, QC has, however, made me rethink. The world just may not be ready for a new cadre of intelligent and impeccably turned out legal counselors.

Furthermore, whether attractive lawyers actually make more effective advocates is, as far as I can gather, unclear. Googling brought me citations to some evidence suggesting that they do not: Janet Sigal, Jane Braden-Maguire, Mark Hayden & Norman Mosley, The effect of presentation style and sex of lawyer on jury decision-making behavior, Psychology — A Quarterly Journal of Human Behavior (Autumn 1985), found that presentation style was the most important determinant of persuasiveness. Similarly, Marjorie J. Caballero, James R. Lumpkin, Charles S. Madelen, Using Physical Attractiveness as an advertising tool: An empirical test of the attraction phenomenon, Journal of Advertising Research (Aug.-Sept. 1989) found that looks didn't affect sales much, but gender did (men bought more from men, women from women). But I haven't read the actual articles so I can't speak to how attractive their arguments are.

Perhaps, therefore, in light of the Hamermesh & Parker study we should just offer the free makeovers to the faculty? Not that my colleagues don't look good already or get great teaching evaluations, but every little bit we can do to increase student happiness and raise that US News rating…

Then again, maybe it's a bad idea all around. We don't, after all, want either champagne or romantic notes from our students—just great Blue Books.

Dave Barry Sinks His Teeth Into the Primaries

Dave Barry, Miami's answer to either Will Rogers or what happens when you cross a journalist with a basoon, is reporting from Iowa. Most of the article is about meat and vegtables, especially the ambulatory carrot, but some of it has Barry's inimitable political summaries. Often, after all, comedians have a better grasp on reality than pundits. (Especially if they're the Miami Herald's pundits….)

But the biggest applause came when Howard Dean, the feisty little Surgemeister himself, surged into the room and fired up the crowd by biting the head off a live puppy.

Not really! I'm making a little joke about Dean's reputation for having a temper. In fact, it was a squirrel.

NO KIND WORDS

Ha ha! But seriously, Dean did express anger at George W. Bush, as well as Washington insiders and special interest groups. In covering five national campaigns, I have yet to hear a presidential contender say a single kind word about Washington insiders or special interest groups. Every last contender swears he's going to stomp these people like ants. Yet, incredibly, Washington remains infested with them.

By the way, did I say “basoon”? I meant “baboon”. Or maybe I meant “clown”. Or something.

And then there's what has to be the worst pun of the campaign:

The big news was that John Edwards, who had been stagnant, was surging, while at the same time John Kerry — who had faltered early in the race, then surged, then re-faltered — was now surging AGAIN.

THE SURGE-IMPAIRED

This bodes badly for Howard Dean, who used to be the Lone Surger out here, as well as traditional Iowa-caucus winner Dick Gephardt, who has, frankly, been unable to surge. He is surge-impaired, and he badly needs surgification in Iowa if he is to survive New Hampshire, where, word has it, Wesley Clark, who had been faltering, is now surging like a madman. He's the Surgin' General.

Bush's Marriage Plan is Just Too Cheap

Flush from my success at launching an Iraq meme, here's the same idea recycled to marriage. GW Bush wants to spend $1.5 billion we don't have to spend on marriage propaganda, or skills training, or right-wing pacification, or something, with ostensible targeting towards poor people. We all know, however, that one of the (many?) things that lead to divorces are financial problems. The solution, therefore, is obvious: Bush should offer to contribute to the wedding bills.

Since this is going to be a Republican program, we'll start by assuming it's not going to be means-tested, thus saving me the trouble of finding data on marriage rates by income. Instead, I can just use the aggregate data, which tells me that there were 2,256,000 marriages in the USA in 2002, slightly down from the peak of 2,384,000 in 1997 (the rate is way down, though).

Assume that Bush plans to spend $1.5 billion over ten years (an arbitrary figure; if they plan to blow it all in the run-up to the election, just multiply my number by 10). That works out to only $66 per existing marriage per year, and less if the plan were to work and increase the number of marriages. Can't get much wedding bubbly for that. Or much marriage training either, I'd imagine.

No, what we need to do is means-test the program, then take money from the defence budget. How many Iraqs, or submarines, does it take to put on a good spread for everyone?

PS To Liz Taylor and to Beverly Hills Republicans: only one marriage per decade, please.

Florida Weird News In Review -- 2003

I suppose given my location, I'm compelled to link to 2003 Florida Weird News In Review. Although if that's the authoritative list, it actually seems like we had a fairly tame year by Florida standards. Especially compared to the national list, 2003: A Dave odyssey, prepared by Miami's own Dave Barry.

I did, however, especially like this item from the Weird News in Review:

Criminal charges were dropped against a Callaway man accused of smashing his way into a neighbor's house and chasing a woman with a knife. A Panama City judge was convinced the man was temporarily insane from drinking jasmine tea.

Jasmine tea is one of my wife's favorites.

British Self-Deprecation Taken to an Extreme

Guardian Unlimited | Sweet smell of failure. The possible loss of the much-hyped (here, anyway) Beagle 2 Mars Explorer has caused some dark humor. This article is a particularly funny example of it.

It begins, “the stubbornly silent Mars probe Beagle 2 has reminded us what Britain does best: heroic failure….”

Weapons of Math Instruction

Brian Leiter's Weapons of Math Instruction shows that it's possible to laugh about Really Serious Stuff.

If You Don't Ask, You Don't Get. But Some Things You Shouldn't Ask

In my experience, law students are generally nice people, and no more unreasonable than any other slice of the population of similar age and background. But there are exceptions.

The all-time exception occurred several years ago, when a shy quiet student from one of my classes came into my office saying she wanted advice on a personal problem. I closed the door and put on my best sympathetic face, which became increasingly difficult as she told me her story. It seems that she had been cooking in her rented apartment and ran out of cooking oil, so she dashed across the street to the store to get some more. Unfortunately, she left the wok on the lighted stove top, something caught fire, and she burned down her entire apartment, and caused serious damage to the two neighboring ones too.

Was her problem that the landlord was suing her? No (or at least, thought I, “not yet”.) Was anyone hurt? No. Were the police giving her a hard time? No. Troubles with the insurance company? No, she had no insurance. But that wasn't the problem; no, the problem was much simpler: now that the apartment was unlivable, she'd had to move somewhere else and her ex-landlord was refusing to return her deposit.

Faced with such overweening chutzpah, all I could think to do was to shake my head ruefully and say, that while I was always happy to help students, this sounded like a job for local counsel and - alas! - I am not a member of the Florida bar. (I also resolved then and there never to join the Florida bar.)

I'm reminded of this tale because of an incident last week, the first of its kind. A student who did an independent writing project last year for me came by. As sometimes happens here, her preferred schedule leaves her one credit short of what she needs to graduate. Would I be willing to retroactively give her an extra credit for last year's writing project?

I guess that's less brazen than demanding back your deposit after burning down your apartment…but only just.

British Political In-Jokes About Bush Visit

If, like me, you pay some attention to British politics you will probably find this spoof memo about Bush's state visit to the UK to be pretty funny: Telegraph | Opinion | Palace-speak for the Bush men

If the name “John Prescott” means nothing to you, it's still funny, but you'll probably miss some of the best jokes.

Almost the Ultimate Dog Headline

Yes, here it is, not quite “Man Bites Dog,” but nearly the ultimate headline and certainly the stuff for a slew of good law school hypotheticals, Dog Shoots Man. [Update: the link died, but there's a better one.]

ARIS (Reuters) - A French hunter was shot by his dog after he left a loaded shotgun in the trunk of his car with two dogs and one of the animals accidentally stepped on the trigger, police said Wednesday. …

[Update 2: It's a regular epidemic! It happened in New Zealand in December.]

They Have Great Conversations In the DeLong Household

I have two great children who I'm very proud of, and who say all sorts of interesting things. But—maybe because my oldest is only ten? or more likely due to genetics—our conversations are never quite like the entertaining discourse in the DeLong household. Especially this weekend, when every other word I said seemed to be “homework”.

What Does The FT's Computer Know That We Don't?

So, I'm reading the Financial Times's account of how the CIA is telling the Senate that Naming of agent 'was aimed at discrediting CIA' and idly wondering if it's a bad thing or a terrible thing when a banana republic's Great Power's clandestine services get into a war with the Junta Chief Executive, when I notice that the FT's computer has a couple of stories that it has identifed as related to the Bush administration's unprecedented betrayal of a clandestine CIA operative.

Click the thumbnail to see the apt headlines to the two links

Why Lawyers Fear Minks

You can be fairly confident that the animal rights activist who released thousands of minks and thus disaster — see The Fur Flies and Crawls and Bites — was not a lawyer. Just about every law student learns from Foster vs Preston Mill Co, 268 P.2d 645 (Wa. 1954), that minks eat their young when upset.

The Foster case's facts are at least as strange as the Washington Post article. The defendant was blasting to clear some land two+ miles away from a mink farm. The noise upset the minks, they started eating their young, plaintiff lost a bundle. The court held that because blasting is an ultrahazardous activity, the defendant was strictly liable for whatever harms it caused, however weird and unpredictable they might be. Once the class was duly outraged, our Torts professor managed to suggest that this is a predictable behavior among minks, so the issue is who has a duty to find out what local conditions are (how predictable are mink farms?), and it got more convoluted from there.

No one having had the experience of Foster, however, would be likely to turn minks loose on the world. But I've always thought it might be fun to teach Torts.

Googling I found a nice summary of the case, inside what seems a like a chapter from a great Torts book by Dean Mark Grady of George Mason Law School:

In Foster v. Preston Mill Co., 44 Wash. 2d 440, 268 P.2d 645 (1954), the defendant was constructing a logging road along the side of Rattlesnake Ledge, which was approximately two and one quarter miles from the plaintiff’s mink ranch. Although the plaintiff’s mink ranch was in a relatively rural area, it was about two blocks from U.S. Highway No. 10, which was a main east-west thoroughfare across the state.

It was necessary to use explosives to build the logging road. The defendant used the customary types of explosives, as well as the customary methods of blasting. The procedure was to set off two blasts a day, once at noon and the other at the end of the workday. The defendant’s expert, Professor Drury Augustus Pfeiffer of the University of Washington, later testified that a highly sensitive pin seismometer yielded no measured ground movement from blasts the same size that the defendant had made, at a distance equal to that separating the defendant’s construction area from the plaintiff’s mink ranch.

Minks are notoriously sensitive animals, and the defendant’s blasts began just as the plaintiff’s mother minks were beginning to bear their young. The mother minks began to eat their young. Immediately after the blasts started, the mink mothers killed 35 of their kittens. The plaintiff’s manager then told the defendant’s manager what had happened. He did not request that the blasting be stopped. After some discussion, however, the defendant’s manager said that future blasts would be made as light as possible. The amount of explosives used in a normal shot was then reduced from 19 or 20 sticks to 14 sticks. The carnage continued.

The defendant’s officers testified that it would have been impractical to cease entirely road-building during the several weeks required for the minks to whelp and wean their young. Such a delay would have made it necessary to run the logging operation another season. It would also have disrupted the company’s log production schedule and consequently the operation of its lumber mill. The plaintiff brought suit, and the trial took place before a court sitting without a jury; it was thus a “bench trial.” The trial court found for the plaintiff, holding that the defendant was strictly liable for the deaths of all minks killed after the conversation between the plaintiff and the defendant’s manager.

[Please, no one put in the comments that lawyers hate minks because they are expensive…]

Today's Dilbert Is Too Timely

Today's Dilbert is making the rounds of the law school, because we start the retreat tomorrow.

Pranks

Zug is a bit hit and miss, but when it hits, it really hits. Commuters everywhere will love the new Turnpike Prank. But even that's not as funny as my all-time favorite: The Credit Card Prank, a hypo-filled joke that resonates especially well with law professors.

George W. Bush - Poetaster

Who knew that George W. Bush was an even better poet than he is leader and policy-maker?

Nobody Listens to the Words Anyway

I heard about these language removal people on NPR earlier this week. The Language Removal Service has produced audio tapes of speech by leading candidates in the California gubernatorial election…with all the words removed. All that's left is breathing noises, “um's”, “ah's” and the like. They played some of their tapes on the radio, and you can hear them at their website. I found it deeply weird, especially given the utterly dead-pan way in which the guy describing it kept calling it a 'service to the public' as if the results were revelatory of something essential about the speaker's character. He was very good—it was hard to tell if he was a prankster, a Dadaist, or a new species of loon.

I deeply pray that no one ever does one of those to my lectures.

Slashdot Says "Avoid U. Florida"

Ok, it's schadenfreude but what good, or even indifferent, U.Miami booster would not have at least a tinge of joy at opening up Slashdot and finding an item entitled Schools to Avoid: University of Florida. Seems that UF has adopted a fairly Draconian and quite silly policy to prevent P2P filesharing violations. Step One: intrusive scans of every student's PC in the dorms using a program called ICARUS. Wired has an article saying it's all just dandy, but that's not what the students say. The student paper called it evil

And, no, the “michael” who submitted that item to Slashdot is a different Michael from this one.

Veepstakes, Republican Style

Your bigtime mainstream political bloggers like to talk about issues such as which Democrat might best help which candidate as a Veep (Clark is the equivalent of 'O' blood here—the universal match, and Edwards works almost as well, except of course when one of them is imagined as the candidate). That's a nice parlor game, but I have a new one, just as fun. Suppose, just for the sake of the argument, that all this talk about the source of the Great Leak being someone in Richard Cheney [fixed] office pans out. And, just to make it more exciting, suppose the Veep knew before, during, or even not too long after the Leak, and/or the circumstances are such that he should have known. (Please keep in mind that all is pure hi-octane speculation at the moment. There are no facts on the public record about who leaked.)

Who does Bush pick as his running mate to replace Cheney after he reluctantly decides on health grounds to spend more time with his family?

Legalizing Miss Daisy

There's wars on in Iraq and Afghanistan, the economy is tanking, it appears that someone in the White House will trifle with a CIA agent's cover for cheap political revenge, there's uncertainty as to the integrity of the ballot box, but down here in South Florida, the local citizenry have their priorities straight and are sticking to domestic issues. For example, today's Miami Herald reports on the “crusade” by Homestead resident Cindy Adams to regularize the status of Miss Daisy.

Miss Daisy is not an undocumented immigrant washed up on these shores. She's native-born, but in an act of the rankest discrimination, the town of Homestead wants her rusticated just because she's a pig.

Ms. Adams is trying to right the injustice that threatens her porcine companion. The Miami Herald, a paper with a shrunken staff, shrunken news hole, and recent redesign by someone who was channeling USA Today is all over this story, with pictures, including this priceless one:

Not to be outdone when it comes to pork, Governor Jeb Bush has gotten out front on this essential issue of pigs rights, and has issued a proclamation saluting potbellied and other miniature pigs. But not too far out front. In keeping with the Jeb Bush strategy of never taking the visible lead on a red-meat (or is that a white-meat?) issue, our Governor didn't go as far as Alabama and Pennsylvania, which each proclaimed a “Minature Potbellied Pig Day”.

This sort of stuff is why local scribe Dave Barry has to keep saying “I am not making this up.”

This Could Spell the End for Margaritaville

Wasting Away in Margaritaville isn't just Sen. Bob Graham's favorite song, it's more or less the antham of Key West and erratic points north as far as South Beach. Imagine the horror that will grip South Florida if it sobers up enough to learn that Mexico is threatening to cut off all bulk exports of Tequila.

Kidding aside, this has all the makings of a classic NAFTA reference, as Mexico will claim its motive in blocking bulk exports is product purity, and the US will claim it's just a cover for the real motive, forcing all those bottling jobs to move south of the border

Spot The Weird Detail

For today's enjoyment, we present a fairly typical Florida news item, Large lizards confiscated from trucker. Can you spot the odd and unusual fact?

A Connecticut truck driver was charged Wednesday with three misdemeanor offenses for traveling with his pets - a 3-foot alligator and a 5-foot caiman.

“He had a dog harness and a leash to walk the caiman with,” said Lt. Joy Hill, spokeswoman for the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission, which levied the charges. “They are not really very warm and cuddly.”
…
Avery said the crocodilians were his pets and that he had the caiman about 10 years and the alligator for about a year. It is illegal to have an alligator for a pet in Florida, and one must have a Class II permit to have a caiman. Avery had no permit.

Is the odd fact that,

• A trucker kept good-sized crocs as pets?
• That he walked the crocs on a dog leash?
• That he didn't have a croc license?
• That he was a New Englander who brought his weirdness down to Florida?

Traduction Bidon

I have just added a link in the right margin to the Fagan Finder translation tool which allows readers to translate the blog with two clicks. (Note: it only works if you don't block referrers.) The translation tool covers an amazing number of languages, but like the Babelfish, the translations do leave a little to be desired. Consider this translation into French of the previous item:

Argh. Blogging se développe en culture secondaire avec son propre argot. Non, non, non, qui est pas ce que je veux. Ce n'est pas lycée. Je ne ai pas besoin d'une clique pour rendre me le sentir bon. Je veux participer aux conversations pensives qui fuient dans la sphère publique.

D'autre part, Technorati.COM prétend savoir de 994.254 weblogs (qui devraient frapper million par la semaine prochaine), avec 45.043.270 liens actifs. À plus mauvais, c'est a substantiel culture secondaire.

Mais, l'amusement comme limites aiment “Bleg,” “Blogroach,” “Fisk”, “Idiotarian,” ou “Instapundit” peut être, je ne pensent pas que je vais avoir beaucoup d'utilisation pour la plupart de jargon blogging. J'espère écrire comme prose franche comme je bidon, sujet à la nécessité occasionnelle d'exprimer des idées et la nuance complexes, et naturellement à la privation systémique de sommeil.

Well, the first sentence is great. But the last paragraph is a mess. “J'espère écrire comme prose franche comme je bidon”? I don't think that's quite what I meant.

Reminds me of the old joke about the test for a translation program. Supposedly, during the Cold War there was a lot of research on Russian-English translation for use on the hotline between the White House and the Kremlin. The story goes that the spec called for a program that could take an English phrase, translate it to Russian, then when the output was run through the program again in the reverse direction would translate it back into the original English. So the engineers came up with a prototype, and input their test phrase: “Out of sight, out of mind” and got back some Russian. When they input the Russian, they got back “Blind drunk”.