Biting Satire: The GW Bush C.V.

This Bush Resume thing is really making the rounds of the Internet. In addition to getting it by email, a quick Google suggests that different versions are poppping up all over.

Update (2/3). Here's a version with hyperlinks to the sources.

George W. Bush
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Ave., NW
Washington, D.C. 20500

Education

Graduated from Yale University, low C average. I was a cheerleader.

Family

After graduating college I lived with my parents. One night I drove home drunk, and upon arriving home I challenged my father (WWII hero, future director of CIA and US president) to settle things outside, “mano a mano.” He kicked my ass.

My father later helped me become owner of the Texas Rangers, Governor of Texas, and President of the United States. My younger brother, Governor of Florida, helped.

Military

  • I somehow got into the Texas Air National Guard after scoring in the lowest quarter on the pilot aptitude test. I joined the National Guard to avoid service in a war I supported.
  • While enlisting I checked a box indicating my preference to stay in the United States during the Vietnam War. I believed this was the best way to keep the Viet Cong out of Texas.
  • During my service no one remembers me showing up for duty for a year, 1972-1973.
  • I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about past drug use.
  • During my service the White House dispatched a flight to Washington so I could go on a date with Tricia Nixon.

Past Work Experience

  • Produced a Hollywood slasher B movie.
  • Bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas; company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.
  • Bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a deal that took land using taxpayer money. Biggest move: Traded Sammy Sosa to the Chicago White Sox.

Accomplishments in Previous Positions

  • Changed pollution laws for power and oil companies and made Texas the most polluted state in the Union.
  • Replaced Los Angeles with Houston as the most smog-ridden city in America.
  • Cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas government to the tune of billions in borrowed money.
  • Set record for most executions by any governor in American history.
  • Became president after losing the popular vote by over 500,000 votes, with the help of my father's appointments to the Supreme Court.

Accomplishments As President

  • Spent the surplus and bankrupted the treasury.
  • Shattered record for biggest annual deficit in history…
  • Set economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period.
  • Set all-time record for biggest drop in the history of the stock market.
  • First president in decades to execute a federal prisoner.
  • First president in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record.
  • First year in office set the all-time record for most days on vacation by any president in U.S. history.
  • After taking the entire month of August off for vacation, presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history.
  • Set the record for most campaign fundraising trips than any other president in U.S. history.
  • In my first two years in office over 2 million Americans lost their job.
  • Cut unemployment benefits for more out of work Americans than any president in U.S. history.
  • Set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period.
  • Appointed more convicted criminals to administration positions than any president in U.S. history.
  • Set the record for the least amount of press conferences than any president since the advent of television.
  • Presided over the biggest energy crises in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption was revealed.
  • Presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history and refused to use the national reserves as past presidents have.
  • Cut healthcare benefits for war veterans (during wartime).
  • Set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously take to the streets to protest me (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind. (http://www.hyperreal.org/~dana/marches/)
  • Dissolved more international treaties than any president in U.S. history.
  • Members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history (the 'poorest' multimillionaire, Condoleezza Rice, has an Exxon oil tanker named after her).
  • Presided over the biggest corporate stock market fraud of any market in any country in the history of the world.
  • Set the all-time record for biggest annual budget spending increases, more than any president in U.S. history.
  • First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the human rights commission.
  • First president in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the elections monitoring board.
  • Withdrew from the World Court of Law.
  • Refused to allow inspectors access to U.S. prisoners of war and by default no longer abide by the Geneva Conventions.
  • First president in U.S. history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. elections).
  • All-time U.S. (and world) record holder for most corporate campaign donations.
  • My biggest lifetime campaign contributor presided over one of the largest corporate bankruptcy frauds in world history (Kenneth Lay, former CEO of Enron Corporation).
  • First president in U.S. history to unilaterally attack a sovereign nation against the will of the United Nations and the world community, predicated upon Iraqi links to Al Qaeda and presence of WMD. Neither has proven true.
  • Took the biggest world sympathy for the U.S. after 9/11, and in less than a year made the U.S. the most resented country in the world.
  • First U.S. president in history to have a majority of the people of Europe (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and stability.
  • Changed US policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts.
  • Failed to fulfill my pledge to get Osama Bin Laden 'dead or alive.'
  • Failed to capture the anthrax killer who tried to murder the leaders of our country at the United States Capital building.
  • In the 18 months following the 9/11 attacks I have successfully prevented extended public investigation into the biggest security failure in the history of the United States.
  • In a little over two years created the most divided country in decades, possibly the most divided the U.S. has ever been since the Civil War.

Records and References

  • At least one conviction for drunk driving in Maine (Texas driving record has been erased and is not available).
  • All records of my tenure as governor of Texas have been taken to my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view.
  • All records of any SEC investigations into my insider trading or bankrupt companies are sealed and unavailable for public view.
  • All minutes of meetings for any public corporation I served on the board are sealed and unavailable for public view.
  • Any records or minutes from meetings I (or my VP) attended regarding public energy policy are sealed and unavailable for public review.
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7 Responses to Biting Satire: The GW Bush C.V.

  1. Tung Yin says:

    This is funny, of course, but this tactic can be used on virtually anyone. “Highlights” of President Clinton’s term would include:

    * only second President to be impeached by Congress
    * lost in the Supreme Court by a 9-0 vote

    and so on. As a rhetorical tactic for attacking the President’s policies, it has an edge. But I suspect that it appeals primarily to those who don’t need to be persuaded.

  2. Michael says:

    Yes. But I wonder which of the current democratic candidates could come up with a “c.v.” half so long and impressive?

  3. Tung Yin says:

    Well, I’m no supporter of the current Administration, but I would think that Karl Rove can probably come up with lots and lots of stuff on all of them. And fans of the Administration will think those “cv” parodies are hilarious, and the rest of us will think they’re stupid.

  4. jcterminal says:

    of course, the best one is mine, because i’m so goddamned sexy.

    and really, yes, one *could* make a CV for any president, but i doubt anyone could come up with one so damning…

    the invite is open, if anyone’s up for it.

  5. Stuart Buck says:

    What Tung Yin said. I’m surprised the list didn’t blame Bush for the Martha Stewart trial, the problems with the Mars rover, and my brother’s ingrown toenail. That would be about as intelligent as all the items that seem to assume that the President can be personally blamed for every bad thing that happens during his term of office.

  6. jcterminal says:

    sure stuart. i’m sure his drunk driving adventures are part of some zionist conspiracy.

    right.

  7. Ty Gillis says:

    I’d love to see the “Resume” of Teddy Kennedy. If the only bad thing that President Bush did while in College was to drive home drunk, then at least he didn’t drunkingly sink a car with a pregnant girlfriend in the front seat. Can’t remember if he was in college or in the Senate at the time.

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